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Sexy Memoirs, Top Ten

Top 10 Things To Do In February to Buck Up

Comments Off on Top 10 Things To Do In February to Buck Up 11 February 2016

February stinks. Football is over, Valentine’s day is depressing and/or expensive plus it’s got a smug, silent letter. It’s the only month where the number of days are mucked around with on a seemingly random basis. Speaking of – no leap year has been skipped since 1900 and no others will be skipped until 2100. Spooky.

What gives with this goddam month?

We don’t know either, but we’re 100% with you on having a case of the frumps. Staffers have been moping around the HQ doing the sad dad dance now for going on 2 weeks. SO, we called a staff meeting and put our heads together to come up with the Top 10 Things To Do In February to Buck Up:

10. Learn some swear words in Esperanto

9. Watch the Coldplay halftime show for like the thousandth time

8. Do Djokovic-approved squat thrusts

7. Use your finger in a way that maybe you haven’t

6. Try a new Salad dressing (salad dressing Raphael perhaps?)

5. Read Sexy Memoirs Chapter 5: Brown House with Pink Shutters 

4. Work on new candle scents like “post nasal drip” and “moldy box of playboys”

3. Start research for your cell phone upgrade

2. Celebrate a holiday you have never celebrated before and go big.  Maybe host a party?

1. Intertwine things you want with things you need

Shades of Gray

The Shade’s Top 10 Tips for Working From Home

No Comments 26 January 2015


As I write this a storm of epic proportions is bearing down on New England. Like any fortunate soul in the 21st century most of us are lucky enough to work from home tomorrow given the conditions. At first blush this may sound like a cake walk. However, working from home is as much an art form as the 9th century weaving loom. There are best practices that should be consulted to remain productive enough to perpetuate the practice.

The Shade’s own T.W. has been ‘working from home’ since 8th grade. That was before degrees could be earned online mind you. So, how did he do it?

Reins is still trying to figure it out.

But with T.W. as your Talisman the staff got together to give YOU The Shades…


Top 10 Tips For Working From Home


10. First things first, write drafts of 3-5 emails you’ll need to send throughout the day

9. To avoid the temptations of the seedy side of the internet put a picture of your boss somewhere in sight of your laptop

8. Follow multiple browser tab protocol as usual to detour significant other

7. Get your movie line up set early and often….focusing heavily on Westerns, Steven Seagal & Bill Murray.

6. I cannot stress this enough, have plenty of gummies on hand. Sour Patch Kids, Twizzlers, Marlboro Lights….whatever it takes.

5. Hydrate with your favorite beer every 15-20 minutes. (it goes without saying that coffee and water are consumed liberally first thing)

4. The Price Is Right is on at 11. This is easy to forget given that you’re normally clearing room for lunch at that time.

3. Change clothes at least once a day, and rotate rooms on a ‘side-out’ basis

2. Always remember, 3 p.m. comes quicker than you’d think when you cut out the b.s.

1. Just have fun out there.

Shades of Gray

The Shade’s Top 10 Things We’re NOT Giving Up For Lent

No Comments 06 March 2014


Around here at The Shade HQ we don’t believe in many things. One thing we sure don’t believe in is self denial. What’s the point? So what if you eat the last pringle? So what if you lay on the couch all day when it’s sunny and warm outside? Oh, I know, you might jeopardize your chance at eternal bliss.

Piss on that. The looming Lent season is about self denial and atonement. Well…sorry I’m not sorry! Thanks to The Shade’s 2014 Regrets & Inspiration calendar I’ve been killing it this year. And I’ve got news for you – we’re not giving up nathan for the Lent season. Squat. We prefer to let the Mardi Gras season run through Memorial Day.

As we see ourselves of beacons of good example we decided to share with you the Top 10 Things We’re NOT Giving up for Lent.

10. Thousand Island Salad Dressing – It just feels good to be so bad no?

9. Not holding doors open – Honestly, I don’t give a crap how easy it is for you to get in (or out) of this building. You’re on your own.

8. Blaming farts on the dog – One of the most ingenious and versatile inventions man has come up with.

7. Talking behind people’s back – It helps you feel great and lose the weight!

6. Virgin daiquiris – No way, not now, not ever. Absolutely NOT.

5. Toeing the line between right and wrong to see what we can get away with.

4. Lisps – they’re like the alligators of speech evolution (and really fun at parties!)

3. Acting irreverent to seemingly important things like organized religion.

2. Our desire to wade in a lukewarm cesspool of mediocrity

1. Liberally doling out dirty looks to small children – If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times. Small children represent everything thats wrong with America. They have no job, no ambition, produce nothing but crap, can’t support themselves and expect to be catered to.

I’ll see u at Easter! buy my lint filled Cadbury eggs! Suckers!!

Features, Top Ten

The Shade’s Top 10 Answers to the question “What have you been up to?”

No Comments 11 October 2013


Aren’t people the worst? 99.2 percent of everybody is awful. They go slow when you want to go fast. They’re ugly, and quite a few smell bad.  But worst of all, people are BORING. Be honest, how many conversations do you have throughout the day where you catch yourself dreaming of your cat and wondering when you can stop talking to this person? If you’re like me it’s every single one.

The worst is the question “What have you been up to?”. Ugh, I don’t even care what I’ve been doing let alone having to explain it to some jerk. So, we got together and came up with some great responses you can try that will really knock the peripheral people in your life for a loop when they bore you with that question.

The Shade’s Top 10 List of Answers to the Question “What have you been up to?”

10. Working on the stink in my tennis shoes. What do you think so far?

9. Avoiding people

8. Trying to invent a new soup

7. Working on a good lather

6. Just got my tarsals and metatarsals structured to point forward finally

5. Preparing for my second round interview at The Gap. Boy do they take folding seriously!

4. Exploring the option of selling myself for money. What do you think?

3. Grouse hoarding

2. Finally met my pen pal

1. Watching reruns of my last appearance on Sally Jessie Raphael


Top Ten

The Shade’s Top 10 British Terms

No Comments 17 May 2013


A few things happened here at The Shade office over the past month that really inspired this Top 10. First, we realized that our summer reading list was woefully lacking (er, non-existent) so we decided to assign Anthony Burgess’ classic A Clockwork Orange to help kickstart a love of literature. Second, for our Tuesday Night Movie Mayhem Extravaganza the staff watched the cult classic Trainspotting. The two combined made 3 things happen:

  • It gave us an uncontrollable urge to ingest drugs….of any kind really.
  • Made us realized the brits are really talented at putting each other down – which we commend.
  • While they say the brits speak english…we were struggling for comprehension at every third word.

So we dove in and did some research and came up with our Top 10 List of British Terms.

10. Fag – used to refer to a cigarette, not a homosexual.  If a Brit asks if he can “bum a fag”, don’t be offended, this is not a question about said Brit’s sexual preferences.

9. Pants – used to refer to underwear, not pants.  Also used to refer to something that is stupid, as in “well that’s just pants”.

8. Skint – slang for being broke.  “Can’t go for a pint now mate, I’m bloody skint.”

7. Slag – used to refer to a woman of loose morals, or hooker.  However, can be taken to the next level by “slagging someone off”, which means speaking ill of a person.

6. Pissed – used to refer to being really really drunk, not angry.  Combined with slag you get; “I was totally pissed last night, and snogged that slag Allison.”

5. All fur coat and no trousers – someone who is superficial, with no real substance beneath.

4. Irish – something broken or ill thought out, as in:  “Don’t use the toaster this morning, it’s gone all Irish.”

3. Air biscuit – An expulsion of air from the anus, a fart.

2. Badly packed kebab –  The female genitals. The creativity behind this imagery deserves some type of award.

1. Bat on a sticky wicket  – To put oneself in a difficult and unfavorable position.

Top Ten

The Shade’s Top 10 Life Changing ‘Firsts’

No Comments 08 February 2013


A wise man once said that life is just a series of moments. As we all know some of those moments have more resonance than others. When The Shade staff got together to discuss such moments we realized 2 things. Many of the most impressionable moments we experienced had to do with private parts & none of us would want to live any of those moments again.

I don’t know if that speaks more to the gravity of these moments or the perversity of the staff. As a resolution we decided to order chinese.

This week we present you with The Shade’s Top 10 Life Changing ‘Firsts’

10. The first time you get rejected by the opposite sex (or really anyone for that matter) – It takes you down a peg. You start to look at yourself in a new light and new imperfections emerge.

9. The first time you discover your dad’s porn collection – Your parents become more human and – in a way – you can related to them more while looking at them from a new perspective.

8. The first time you get fired – The amazing feeling that you do not have to go to that shitty job ever again. And, life goes on.

7. The first time hearing a friend’s parents have sex (related to # 9) – Staying over your friends house and hearing his parents go to pound town. Always traumatizing but the first time you realize that parents are people as well.

6. The first time you get injured pretty badly – Feeling real pain for the first time immediately makes you recognize visceral emotions. You hurt, and want to get better. You also (if you have a brain in your head) start to become subconsciously more cautious.

5. The first time you visit a foreign country – You realize everything you’ve known is not the center of the universe. You realize you’re a small part of something bigger and you most likely eat much better food.

4. The first time you realized you were terribly, terribly wrong – When you realize that you totally fucked up and everything that is happening right now is all on you. Accountability starts to rear its ugly head.

3. The first time you cash a paycheck you earned – Bringing your first pay check to the bank. Putting $10 in saving and taking the rest to buy awesome shit like Ninja throwing stars.

2. The first time you have sex – This comes in levels. First hand induced, mouth induced, and finally private part induced. At this point this is really your first lesson in teamwork.

1. The first sip of alcohol – The first time you lie and say you are staying at Jay’s house but really stay at Jen’s and end up with a whole number of firsts. Not to mention a whole lifetime of bad decisions you’ll make as a result of that sip.

Features, Top Ten

The Shades Top Ten Best Brother Combinations

No Comments 25 January 2013


With the Harbaugh brothers facing off in the upcoming Superbowl we here at The Shade have been thinking quite a bit about brothers. Websters Dictionary defines a brother as:

….a male offspring having both parents in common with another offspring; a male sibling

Our in-house ideologue, T.W. Snicket, was astute enough to point out a brother could also be a black male and/or a monk. (to read his full soliloquy on the matter click here)

While all derivations are significant and worthwhile we’re focusing on the fraternal.

Brothers play a unique role in the circle life. They can be the source or subject of incessant noogies. They can be a sisters first exposure to males their own age and, therefore, be the kick-off to a lifelong developing frustration for the opposite sex. Or, they can be a great way to get booze while underage. All these things and many, many more.

So we took the time to put together what we think of as the most important brother combinations in the history of all time. We hope you enjoy and please feel free to rehash this subject at  your next dinner party.

The Shades Top Ten Best Brother Combinations

10. Zeus, Hades and Poseidon – Boy, talk about a successful family eh? I bet their mother was so proud when they decided to stop bickering about who should get the crackerjack box toy and defeated the Titans to rule the cosmos!

9. Alex and Chad Wagner – If you’re not familiar with the 1991 blockbuster Double Impact you might want to check your ego at the door and revisit. Not only does this film show the ‘impact’ brothers can have when the work together…it also shows the dynamism Van Damme displayed at his peak as he played both starring roles. Unreal.

8. Michael and G. O. B. Bluth/ The Brothers Karamazov – I put these two together because it is essentially the same story. For more information check this out.

7. The Wright Brothers – They messed around in the backyard and created aviation as we know it. It kind of makes those games of wiffle ball in the backyard seem trivial no?

6. Mario and Luigi– They kept the plumbing industry on its toes and still are pushing the boundaries on what their local union can and cannot protect them against as they continue their crusade against Bowser.

5. Gregg and Duane Allman – Icons of American rock and roll. Those brothers were the backbone of a sound that continues to resonate with old and new listener alike and still heavily influences contemporary music. Sadly, Duane passed on much too early in 1971 when the band was at the precipice of becoming massive. While the Allman Brothers Band persevered fans are only left to wonder what could have been.

4. The Wayans Brothers – I honestly think these guys rival Poseidon, Hades and Zeus in their body of work. Starting way back with In Living Color the Wayans showed a high aptitude for kicking ass. What’s remarkable is how Marlon and Shawn have come to the forefront as Keenan and Damon have sort of faded. I’m just looking forward to what their progeny bring to the table by 2030.

3. The Baldwin Brothers – The only family that can trump the Wayans in terms of star power is the Baldwins. Obviously Alec carries much of the load. BUT Sliver and Bio Dome just barely missed getting Oscar nods for best picture. Also, Alec would have been a shoe in for a best supporting actor Oscar nod in 1999 if the field hadn’t been incredibly competitive that year. (check it out)

2. The Kennedy brothers (JFK & RFK) – They could have shepherded in a new ideological age in America’s history. Could have.

1. Julius and Vincent Benedict (Danny Devito & Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 1988 film Twins) – After comprehensive research we concluded that the relationship between the Benedict brothers exemplifies the power of fraternal love that can exist between two brothers. Given inexplicable odds two seemingly complete opposites meet, take part in an epic cat-and-mouse chase, develop a bond and reunite a family on the brink and find love. Truly an amazing story.

Shades of Gray

The Shade’s Top 10 Reasons To Get Disappointed

No Comments 11 January 2013


A recent study released by the National Dept. of Just Throwing It Out There concludes that depressed people are much more interesting than wackos that are happy all the time. It makes sense. Happy people float through life like their neck is being perpetually tickled by a horde of kittens. While brooding stimulates critical thinking, incandescence and – ultimately – the ability to disarm people with a longing look.

The Shade wants to help YOU disarm people with a longing look. And everybody knows the best way to whip up a good depression is to have a succession of successful disappoints. So, we’ve bumped our heads together and came up with the Top 10 Reasons To Get Disappointed.

Struggling to get over it,

The Shade Management

10. Yellow lights – You ALWAYS almost just make it
9. Pat Sajak and Vanna White never getting together – Why didn’t those two kids ever get together? Their rapport is just so intoxicating. Watching their repartee makes me want to get a significant other just so I can hold hands in public.
8. A load of new white shirts turned pick in the wash – Its just money down the drain really…unless you’re FABULOUS!
7. No substitution menus – I want it my way, not yours. What the heck?!
6. Good looking people that bring nothing else to the table – We’re looking at you Steve Buscemi…pick it up!
5. The popularity and success of the Twilight series – While Kristen Stewart does her fair share of brooding I’d still like to see her banished from planet Earth.
4. Recently expired lunch meats when you’re hungry – Be careful here. Because sometimes you get tough. Sometimes you think…”It doesn’t smell THAT weird. I’ll be fine. What’s the worst that can happen”. 30 minutes later…you experience fury, remorse, pain and lots of staring at your bathroom wall vowing you’ll do better next time.
3. Birthdays – You’re older. You realize you haven’t reached your goals, your plans from when you were younger aren’t working out and probably never will. And, did I mention you’re older? Other than that birthday rock!
2. Congress – No explanation necessary
1. When the beatles thought they’d be better off individually instead of a group – (sigh)

Top Ten

Top 10 Worst Places To Have To Poo

No Comments 14 September 2012


The human body is a magnificent thing. It can run, jump, throw a football and, if you’re lucky, dance. To do all this cool stuff we need some fuel for energy so we eat food. Once we’ve processed the energy we need to get rid of the waste. Yup, you guessed it – I’m talking about disposing of BM’s.

For some of us its the best part of our day. Others despise it. And still others approach it as simple mechanics and don’t give it much thought at all. C’est la vie.

The fact of the matter is that all of us have been in unfortunate situations when we’ve experienced The Drop. This is when you feel your body’s internal gravitational pull telling you that something is careening through your insides and is about to show up at the exit without much patience. You need to act and act quickly.

During our weekly staff meeting we got to talking and we found out a few things. We all dispose of BM’s a lot! But more importantly experiencing the drop is nice when you’re feeling full, wearing sweatpants and have the luxury of being able to see your home court bathroom. Other times you’re not that lucky. So we put together our Top 10 List of the worst places we’ve been when nature has beckoned. Feel free to add your thoughts.

The Shade’s Top 10 Worst Places To Be Struck With The Urge To Poo

10. Day 2 and 3 of literally any music festival – If you’ve ever been to one of these things you know already. But for those of you who haven’t here’s what happens. The people in charge of emptying the porter johns get lazy. So, poop piles up. In some cases peaking up above the rim of the toilet. Its not pretty or desirable.

9. A foreign country where you don’t speak the language – This is awful. While the act of jumping up and down clutching your bum is pretty universal it reduces you to the lowest form of groveling. Plus bathroom (particularly in Europe) are small and the toilet paper technology is not anywhere close to what we have here in the good ole U.S. of A.

8. Traffic – Obviously. When pushed to the brink in this instance I’ve seen people make some very rash decisions.

7. Ski lift – Its a lonely place. You’ve insulated yourself from cold while making a quick strip down problematic. While most times the Great Outdoors is a nice place to release…its not on this occasion.

6. In the middle of a heated online gaming instance – As we all know online gaming is a fun and safe way to spend a night in. The problem is with the pesky pause rules set up with most games. If you’re struck by The Drop during a competitive exchange you may have to fold your hand for the imminent release.

5. Dinner parties – This really depends on the size of the dinner party – the smaller the worse off you are. The problem is excusing yourself for a period of time that is too long for people to believe you were peeing. Once you’ve been revealed by your absence when people look at you for the rest of the night they’ll think about you – shirtless – pushing out a squeaker.

4. A flight/and or airport – I grouped these items together for obvious reasons but the difficulties are a bit different. Planes are tough because the bathrooms are small and if you’re like me you like to spread out upon release. More important if your effort is particularly trying and you leave a bit of stink behind all eyes are upon you when you depart. So, not a great option. Airports are a bit different. Roomy, privacy is solid but strange things happen in airport bathrooms. Trust me.

3. During intimacy – Regardless if this is a first time make out session or with a veteran significant other having to stop sexy time because of a rumble and subsequent poopie can really kill a mood.

2. A professional sporting event – This is never good. For starters you’re missing the event you probably paid an obscene amount of money to see. But more importantly people drink at these events. Often times they drink heavily. Lines at the urinals get long and guys begin to use the stalls as the day/night goes on. As we all know your peeing accuracy is negatively correlated to your alcohol consumption….so just to the math.

1. Lap dance at a strip club – Similar to #3 you never want to be put in a position when your sex parts are tingling along with your poop parts. Its a conflict of interest I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.


Top Ten

Top 10 Best Dance Moves

No Comments 31 August 2012


Dancing is part of our DNA. While some of us can perform better than others we’ve all experienced a rush of emotion so intense we were compelled to start moving around in a somewhat rhythmic fashion – much like Forest Gump when he first heard Elvis.

The Shade staff took a peek in the vault of human movement and pulled out what we consider to be the best contributions to the artform. Personally I’ve used every single one of these in various (and to varying degrees of accuracy) and they’ve never failed to get a positive reaction (especially the Pee Wee). And lets face it, as the little girl in the Watusi video points out to Lurch – “ If you know how to dance well, she’ll think you’re boss.”

Enough said.

So, without further adieu we give to you The Shade’s Top 10 Best Dance Moves:

10. The Roger Rabbit

9. The Pee Wee

8. The C Walk

7. The Watusi

6. The Charleston

5. The Tango

4. The Funky Chicken

3. The Moonwalk

2. The Standard Twist

1. The ole James Brown

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