Tag archive for "sexy memoirs"

Shades of Gray

Sexy Memoirs Chapter 12: Teamwork

Comments Off on Sexy Memoirs Chapter 12: Teamwork 18 August 2016

She showed up with her friend and of course the pessimistic in me starts to multiply the bar tab by 2.  It wasn’t until the 3rd round of shots interweaving with the dreadful amount of dubstep that I realized why the +1 was brought along.

For she had shared her tall tales of our sexual adventures with her just-as stunning-blonde friend compelling her to join us in inking another chapter into our book of fables.  My excitement quickly gets lost, though, while playing it safe – careful to not give one too much attention.

It isn’t until the face sitting and salvation came into play that i was able to get my flag to full mast. With the combination of their lust and my desire I suddenly found myself in a scene from a movie, and I’m not talking Pixar, although there was a woody.

It didn’t take long before they were passing it off like a baton in a relay race.  When cotton-mouth set in for one contender it was a telling sign that we were close to the finish line. Just as the Prince of Time was about to roll the credits we got the satisfying finish we all worked so hard for… with high fives, pearl medals and a spaghetti dinner.

Teamwork does, in fact, make the dream work.

Sexy Memoirs, Top Ten

Top 10 Things To Do In February to Buck Up

Comments Off on Top 10 Things To Do In February to Buck Up 11 February 2016

February stinks. Football is over, Valentine’s day is depressing and/or expensive plus it’s got a smug, silent letter. It’s the only month where the number of days are mucked around with on a seemingly random basis. Speaking of – no leap year has been skipped since 1900 and no others will be skipped until 2100. Spooky.

What gives with this goddam month?

We don’t know either, but we’re 100% with you on having a case of the frumps. Staffers have been moping around the HQ doing the sad dad dance now for going on 2 weeks. SO, we called a staff meeting and put our heads together to come up with the Top 10 Things To Do In February to Buck Up:

10. Learn some swear words in Esperanto

9. Watch the Coldplay halftime show for like the thousandth time

8. Do Djokovic-approved squat thrusts

7. Use your finger in a way that maybe you haven’t

6. Try a new Salad dressing (salad dressing Raphael perhaps?)

5. Read Sexy Memoirs Chapter 5: Brown House with Pink Shutters 

4. Work on new candle scents like “post nasal drip” and “moldy box of playboys”

3. Start research for your cell phone upgrade

2. Celebrate a holiday you have never celebrated before and go big.  Maybe host a party?

1. Intertwine things you want with things you need

Shades of Gray

Sexy Memoirs Chapter 11: A eulogy to my Barbie

Comments Off on Sexy Memoirs Chapter 11: A eulogy to my Barbie 17 January 2016

Her hair was always gold representing the value of her charm and that smile of her’s stood the hair up on my arms. She was a woman so perfect that every man desired but only a few ran the tread off her tires.
She was dedicated to the gym, tanning, looking good and always wanted a pierce in her hood.
The times we spent together on top or beneath, hotels or the pool and even the backseat.
She was an Angel on earth and a devil in the bed and although she’s gone she’ll be forever in my head.

Condolences to all those that didn’t


The Written Word

Sexy Memoirs: Chapter 10 – The waiting is the hardest part

Comments Off on Sexy Memoirs: Chapter 10 – The waiting is the hardest part 20 September 2015

I could still smell her lust on me…i take a deep breath and the memories prompted by her scent is the closest thing to a time machine since doc and the Delorean. Our desires have been fulfilled but already our patience for the next encounter is busting at the seam like a plus size woman shopping at Victoria’s Secret. The Snapchats and text messages temporarily fulfill each other’s appetite but nothing short of her getting her hands on my king size Snickers will leave us satisfied. It seems as though time slows in anticipation but speeds up during participation. It’s a cruel reality that most people who enjoy things will experience. So until I can move freely thru the past, present, and future I’ll be impatiently waiting while both of my heads are filled with the hope that our bodies touch again in the not so distant future.

Shades of Gray

Sexy Memoirs Chapter 9: Silhouettes of Sex

No Comments 05 August 2015

“I really enjoy the shade when your blocking the light” is what I said to her while she stood there naked in the window as the sunrise begins to shine into our double bed suite at the now debunked Best Western on Airport Road. Too often our encounters would have us partying in the moonlight and dancing till the sunrise and this time was no different. Checkout is right around the corner and I can start to smell the continental breakfast seeping down the corridor but I’m not hungry for that. My appetite for her has not yet been satisfied so I take her one last time. Bending her over the chaise lounge, I pull her head back by grabbing her long flowing hair and start wrapping it around my hand as if I’m trying to clot a stab wound on my palm. But the only stabbing here is my piercing applehead into her freshly naired honey-hole. I catch a glimpse of our shadows moving along side us on the cliche hotel wallpaper and it’s reminiscent of a steampunk espresso machine I once saw at a festival. I turn away and refocus on the task at hand and with my keen sense of time management skills we’re all able to burst onto the horizon simultaneously…her, me and the rising sun.

The Written Word

Chapter 8; Persistence & Consent

No Comments 24 June 2015

Her beauty is what kept me coming back to this joint, bellying up to her bar and ordering the same shitty quesadilla just to interact and catch a glimpse of that sexy smile but I needed more.  After a steady 2 months of becoming a regular I happened to be there at the end of her shift.  She mentioned wanting to grab a drink before going home so I took advantage of the opportunity.  She hops in my car which is always stocked w/a cooler of beer and a bottle of goose during the summer days and forego the bar for a party in the Toyota.  The rate in which the spirits & key bumps were being consumed made the sexual tension between the two of us contain more anticipation than a waxing gibbous bursting into a full moon

It was at that point I knew it was time to shift phases. So I grabbed her roughly by the neck and initiated the loss of self control.

In a blurred moment our clothes were off, exposing her pierced nipples as well as the type of freak she is.  As I work my way down her body she starts to give in as her “no’s” become faint and few and far between.  And It’s at that moment I knew it was consensual.

Sexy Memoirs

Chapter 7: Case of the Withering Azaleas

No Comments 14 February 2015

Roses and Valentine’s day are like fried chicken and MLK day.  You need them to make the holiday complete and because of that your gonna pay a premium.

But this year I was not giving into the over priced clique just to get my valentine to ride my baloney pony. To avoid the crowds at the flower stores and needing to rack up my gas rewards I went to the local Stop & Shop to see what alternatives were available.

Even there the shelves had been scavenged like the 4th season of The Walking Dead, but in the back of the case was a lowly pot of azaleas.  The price was right, the color combinations were dynamite and as long as I gave it enough water, these things would be withering no more. So I make the purchase and continue onto the most essential need of V day, alcohol.

Dinner cooked, all 4 ice trays filled, and Pandora set to the Keith Sweat station nothing left to do but pop my horny goat weed pill to offset that bottle of Macallan I drank in anticipation of tonight’s events.  I walk over to the medicine cabinet and grab the bottle – it’s light and as I take the cap off I realize it’s empty and as I sulk in the magnitude of my mistake she walks through the front door pronouncing…”Happy Valentine’s day!  Oh are these flowers for me?”

Sexy Memoirs, Short Stories

Sexy Memoirs Chapter 6: Buy 1 get 2 free…the ultimate coupon

No Comments 28 May 2014

With summer quickly approaching, the pressures of landscaping, manscaping and getting those lungs in shape for the Gaspee day 5k are bearing down hard on this finely tuned body I’ve worked so hard on for the past 10 business days. Be that as it may nothing gives more joy during the longer daylight hours then a trip to the local fireworks store 92 miles away. This one was gonna be a real treat, for I received a coupon for their buy 1 get 2 free event and like every other situation I prepare myself for, I was going to take advantage of it to my fullest.

It started off like previous trips – 6 pack of natty ice, vaporizer full of hash and plenty of duvets to cover the contraband. I stop at Master McGrath’s for the celebratory 3 shots of whiskey, nothing beats purchasing firepower on a whiskey buzz, then head over to the destination. With my cart of assorted gunpowder and a smile from ear to ear, I come across a familiar face. It was Greta the college hussie that everyone had a turn at.

Her cart was busting at the seams along with her white tank top and as we struck up a conversation we quickly realized that our love for pyrotechnics had the same flushing affect on both of us. We agreed it would probably be best to check out here and check in to the Seabrook Inn on the beach and fire off on each other’s merchandise.

Our clerk completing the transaction is the owner, Beatrice. She recognizes me from many trips over the years and shows interest in joining us for our adventure. At the beach we fill the sky with more then silver peonies, red dahlias and blue chrysanthemums. And like any great firework show I was left yearning for another wick to light.

Rayburn Schlitz

The Written Word, Sexy Memoirs

Chapter 5: Brown house with pink shutters

No Comments 27 February 2013

As I set out on the last Tuesday of black history month I wanted to represent my hatred for white supremacy in the utmost way…seducing a female negro.  The task would be harder than it seems for my wardrobe was full of hoodies and my ancestry.com profile hindered my online confidence but, like MLK I had a dream to pursue. ..and as determined as he was I would fulfill that dream twenty fold.  The staff at the anonymous skin bar was darker than my suppressed childhood memories but thanks to the advancement in non-prescription drugs I was able to segregate the difference between wrong and what I can probably get away with.  I may have been the first choice for her, but she was definitely my last.  Defying the odds she seduced me to her underground railroad and laid into me as if I was going to ejaculate reparations.  But in a surprise simple twist of faith nothing but my good olde fashion white man jerk showed its true colors and had her screaming and running back to the cotton fields. Fortunately for me she left her dashiki behind for cleanup and the search for the next Lincoln apprentice became an underrated task of passive public opinion which is what any historian thrives on. And just like useless common law, gay rights, and gun laws the month ends with plenty to reflect on and dance to…Shamon!

Sexy Memoirs

Sexy Memoirs Chapter 4: The Night Tony Petrarca Couldn’t Predict

No Comments 14 February 2013

With days notice. and little on hand, society flocked to the shelves of our life like desperate bridesmaids to a future divorcee’s bouquet(statistically speaking). But we had all we needed.  Readily stocked on booze, lube and thigh quivering literature is a priority of mine throughout the winter months.  It started like any other Friday night – tuning in to the local news to get the low down on the cretins, declining economy and general whereabouts of the senior citizens. But it was all done in anticipation of the main event…senior weatherman Tony Petrarca, with an aggressively subtle use of the mock turtle neck and Doppler radar, confirms the storm of the century. His educated guess on the effects of our high & low pressure colliding was vastly underrated.  After a timely shower and a casual but easy going dozen drinks the power left us in the dark. Prompting us to do what we do best.  We gather all the blankets and duvets we can muster and take solace in the fact that although the snow is falling outside it’s hotter than a jar of jalapenos in the bedroom.

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