Tag archive for "rayburn schlitz"

Shades of Gray

Sexy Memoirs Chapter 12: Teamwork

Comments Off on Sexy Memoirs Chapter 12: Teamwork 18 August 2016

She showed up with her friend and of course the pessimistic in me starts to multiply the bar tab by 2.  It wasn’t until the 3rd round of shots interweaving with the dreadful amount of dubstep that I realized why the +1 was brought along.

For she had shared her tall tales of our sexual adventures with her just-as stunning-blonde friend compelling her to join us in inking another chapter into our book of fables.  My excitement quickly gets lost, though, while playing it safe – careful to not give one too much attention.

It isn’t until the face sitting and salvation came into play that i was able to get my flag to full mast. With the combination of their lust and my desire I suddenly found myself in a scene from a movie, and I’m not talking Pixar, although there was a woody.

It didn’t take long before they were passing it off like a baton in a relay race.  When cotton-mouth set in for one contender it was a telling sign that we were close to the finish line. Just as the Prince of Time was about to roll the credits we got the satisfying finish we all worked so hard for… with high fives, pearl medals and a spaghetti dinner.

Teamwork does, in fact, make the dream work.

Shades of Gray

Sexy Memoirs Chapter 11: A eulogy to my Barbie

Comments Off on Sexy Memoirs Chapter 11: A eulogy to my Barbie 17 January 2016

Her hair was always gold representing the value of her charm and that smile of her’s stood the hair up on my arms. She was a woman so perfect that every man desired but only a few ran the tread off her tires.
She was dedicated to the gym, tanning, looking good and always wanted a pierce in her hood.
The times we spent together on top or beneath, hotels or the pool and even the backseat.
She was an Angel on earth and a devil in the bed and although she’s gone she’ll be forever in my head.

Condolences to all those that didn’t


The Written Word

Sexy Memoirs: Chapter 10 – The waiting is the hardest part

Comments Off on Sexy Memoirs: Chapter 10 – The waiting is the hardest part 20 September 2015

I could still smell her lust on me…i take a deep breath and the memories prompted by her scent is the closest thing to a time machine since doc and the Delorean. Our desires have been fulfilled but already our patience for the next encounter is busting at the seam like a plus size woman shopping at Victoria’s Secret. The Snapchats and text messages temporarily fulfill each other’s appetite but nothing short of her getting her hands on my king size Snickers will leave us satisfied. It seems as though time slows in anticipation but speeds up during participation. It’s a cruel reality that most people who enjoy things will experience. So until I can move freely thru the past, present, and future I’ll be impatiently waiting while both of my heads are filled with the hope that our bodies touch again in the not so distant future.

Sexy Memoirs

Chapter 7: Case of the Withering Azaleas

No Comments 14 February 2015

Roses and Valentine’s day are like fried chicken and MLK day.  You need them to make the holiday complete and because of that your gonna pay a premium.

But this year I was not giving into the over priced clique just to get my valentine to ride my baloney pony. To avoid the crowds at the flower stores and needing to rack up my gas rewards I went to the local Stop & Shop to see what alternatives were available.

Even there the shelves had been scavenged like the 4th season of The Walking Dead, but in the back of the case was a lowly pot of azaleas.  The price was right, the color combinations were dynamite and as long as I gave it enough water, these things would be withering no more. So I make the purchase and continue onto the most essential need of V day, alcohol.

Dinner cooked, all 4 ice trays filled, and Pandora set to the Keith Sweat station nothing left to do but pop my horny goat weed pill to offset that bottle of Macallan I drank in anticipation of tonight’s events.  I walk over to the medicine cabinet and grab the bottle – it’s light and as I take the cap off I realize it’s empty and as I sulk in the magnitude of my mistake she walks through the front door pronouncing…”Happy Valentine’s day!  Oh are these flowers for me?”

The Written Word, reins

Rayburn Re-asserts Himself As A Hero (Again)

No Comments 02 February 2015


What a weekend eh? That Super Bowl blew my mind. The Championship is coming back to New England. We’re bracing for another FOOT of snow. And, most importantly, The Shade’s own Rayburn Schiltz took the better part of an hour yesterday morning to reassert himself as a bonafide hero.

The Setting

As part of The Shade’s commitment to dedicate <1% of our time to fitness the staff decided to engage with the Super 5K in Narragansett RI. The whole gang was there save Reins who picked up a knee niggle a few weeks back while arm wrestling for a ham on rye (here’s hoping he’ll be ready for broomball next week).

When asked how he prepared for the run Rayburn replied: “Not only did I have a hard boiled egg this morning, I trained in the snow, Rocky 4 style“. Possibilities = Endless.

With the wind whipping off the the bay and people excessively washing their hands in the only small bathroom available – bladders were strained and people were getting anxious. A perfect setting for Rayburn to excel.

The Event

A mitten malfunction caused me to lose track of time and before I could initiate my Whitney Houston playlist the shot rang out and the race was underway. Zing!

For me, participating in these types of events is an exercise in survival. Not for Rayburn though. He enters a Zen frame of mind. Things slow down, ideas and concepts crystallize in the amber.

Starting slow and steady all the spectators were keeping a close eye on The Shade’s Foot Soldiers to keep their fingers on the pulse. With a shimmy roger, Rayburn separated himself from the pack. One just assumes Billy Ocean was blaring.

Fighting gravity and general unease the pack gained on Rayburn and yet he persisted. At it’s most challenging, Rayburn came face to face (er, bum) with a woman who refused to buy the appropriate size spandex.

At moments like this lesser men succumb to fatigue, disgust and crumble. But as Rayburn always says – “When life gives you quince, you make ambrosia”. And that’s exactly what he did – he put his head down, dug deep, coughed and pushed on.

The crowd took a collective gasp.


With a quarter mile left, spectators locked in on his progress as he shot through The Towers. He had the end in sight. Performances like this inspire a nation. As such a soft rumble emerged from the crowd:

“Rayburn, Rayburn”

Unaffected, Rayburn focused on his wheeze and awkward gait. Only in his final sprint did he notice the throngs of people chanting his name.

“Rayburn, Rayburn”

Always wanting to please his fans, he gave the people what they wanted and started to shed layers.



A Legend Was Made

Upon finishing Rayburn was approached by race officials to talk about run times. With the shake of the hand Rayburn turned them away just saying “I’m not interested, I know I can do better“. Confused and contemplative the volunteer shuffled off with a new perspective on things.

Not wanting to be the center of attention Rayburn kept running right into the Atlantic – both to cool off and give some of the young guys the limelight.



The Banquet

At the following banquet Rayburn was good enough to sign some autographs, eat a few rolls and discuss localized energy grids.

We learned a lot today. Not least of which was Rayburn, reminding us yet again, that he is a bonafide hero.

The Staff.


Shades of Gray

A Word From Rayburn On DeflateGate

No Comments 25 January 2015

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It’s been awhile since we heard from Rayburn. It’s understandable though…he’s had a lot of irons on the fire. I spoke with him last night and there’s hope. Word on the street is we’ll have a few more Sexy Memoirs in the ‘not too distant future’. Given that Rayburn lives in the cosmic stratosphere his concept of time is different from ours….so who knows.

In the meantime Rayburn took some time in his Sexy Rumpus Room to weigh in on this ridiculous ordeal known as DeflateGate. In keeping with Rayburn’s new year’s resolution to express himself only in picture form he’s Fedex’ed me this gem.

Go Pats!

Sexy Memoirs, Short Stories

Sexy Memoirs Chapter 6: Buy 1 get 2 free…the ultimate coupon

No Comments 28 May 2014

With summer quickly approaching, the pressures of landscaping, manscaping and getting those lungs in shape for the Gaspee day 5k are bearing down hard on this finely tuned body I’ve worked so hard on for the past 10 business days. Be that as it may nothing gives more joy during the longer daylight hours then a trip to the local fireworks store 92 miles away. This one was gonna be a real treat, for I received a coupon for their buy 1 get 2 free event and like every other situation I prepare myself for, I was going to take advantage of it to my fullest.

It started off like previous trips – 6 pack of natty ice, vaporizer full of hash and plenty of duvets to cover the contraband. I stop at Master McGrath’s for the celebratory 3 shots of whiskey, nothing beats purchasing firepower on a whiskey buzz, then head over to the destination. With my cart of assorted gunpowder and a smile from ear to ear, I come across a familiar face. It was Greta the college hussie that everyone had a turn at.

Her cart was busting at the seams along with her white tank top and as we struck up a conversation we quickly realized that our love for pyrotechnics had the same flushing affect on both of us. We agreed it would probably be best to check out here and check in to the Seabrook Inn on the beach and fire off on each other’s merchandise.

Our clerk completing the transaction is the owner, Beatrice. She recognizes me from many trips over the years and shows interest in joining us for our adventure. At the beach we fill the sky with more then silver peonies, red dahlias and blue chrysanthemums. And like any great firework show I was left yearning for another wick to light.

Rayburn Schlitz

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