The Written Word, Short Stories

Brilliant Futility: I’m Sorry I Entered You (Part II)

0 Comments 24 January 2013

Part II

While this shitstorm was overflowing from the toilet that group of smart people were still around doing algebra and reading Shakespeare. Like most important people do. They decided to hell with the rest of the idiots on the planet, they were going to round up the whole lot of smart people, go some place and set up a utopia and while the rest of the general population was busy blowing each other up they would sit back and wait for the destruction of the world as they knew it. If total world annihilation didn’t end up happening, well, they would show what was left of the world how great their system worked. And maybe, just maybe, they’d be up for giving their version a shot. If total world annihilation did happen they would emerge and start from scratch. So they packed up their loose leaf paper and abacii and made preparations. But where would they go?

They just needed a little sliver of land to get goin. This group had always been an international outfit. They had people from China, France, Germany, England, Brazil, Japan, India and the like. Believe it or not there were even a few of those pompous asshole Americans as well.  So they decided, as a last ditch effort, they would go to their respective governments to explain their plan and see if any country would give them land and in return that country would get a large stake in the New Republic.

Well most countries laughed them out of the room as soon as they pitched the idea. However, the French government wasn’t so quick to write them off. They figured the whole world was going to shit anyways and crazier things have happened. After all, if button fly jeans were such an international phenomenon anything was possible. Plus they were still sore about letting that Columbus guy walk. So they decided to give them some land and told them to ‘go nuts’, or more appropriately “allez pour cela!”.

These brave pioneers ended up getting a tiny island in the South Pacific called New Caledonia. It was an island ‘discovered’ by an Englishman back in the late 18th century and named New Caledonia because it reminded him of the Scottish sea coast. Caledonia was the latin word for Scotland. So you can see why the French government didn’t really care about it. I mean, they only grabbed it because the Brits were getting so much territory in that area back when imperialism was publicly en vogue and they wanted to prove their libido was as big as the Brits. Plus, they were told by the locals (at the time) that the springtime was absolutely enchanting. The French being the French….they couldn’t resist.

New Caledonia was about 2,000 square kilometers and could hold about 20,000 to 25,000 people. For good measure the French government even threw in the three surrounding islands called Ouvea, pronounced U-vay, Lifou, pronounced Lee-fu, and Mare`, pronounced Maar-eh. The brave pioneers were so stoked they threw a huge party in the new territory and wrote the longest form of Pi known to man at the time.

The new plans worked out swimmingly. They transferred all the necessary equipment to the islands, moved all the people there and began to set up their utopia. They decided, because of the limited space, they would house everyone on the main island (being the biggest) and use the other three islands for activities essential to their existence. Ouvea was designated the energy producing/recycling location. Over the years they had developed a brilliant system of being able to recycle most forms of waste known to man to produce all forms of energy. The only things they couldn’t recycle were all Apple products, British Knight sneakers, and Blu-Ray discs. Turns out all that stuff was really toxic. That wasn’t too much of a problem though. After all these were the smartest people on the planet they never got into Apple products or Blu-Ray technology. There were, however, a few British Knights laying around from the 1980s but those were left behind. The biggest problem was that even though they had the technology, it was very slow and they never got a chance to enhance it because the funding was always cut. They figured the current method could get them started and they would work tirelessly to innovate.

Tifou was going to be left for farming and food production. They had devised an ingenious method of tiered farming that allowed them to farm an immense amount of food on a tiny piece of land. Mare` was a tough situation because it was a very mountainous island with a large dormant volcano on it taking up most of the space. However there were many rivers and waterfalls which were desirable for harnessing both wind and water power to enable production facilities to manufacture textiles to clothe the New Republic. Plus, the female contingent always got so excited by the waterfalls they always decided to take a dip whenever they visited the island. They also built a large telescope on one of the mountains so they could keep a close eye on those turkeys around the globe and they would know the exact moment when they blew each other to smithereens.

Stay tuned for Part III

- who has written 512 posts on The Shade.

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