Top Ten

Top 10 Worst Places To Have To Poo

0 Comments 14 September 2012


The human body is a magnificent thing. It can run, jump, throw a football and, if you’re lucky, dance. To do all this cool stuff we need some fuel for energy so we eat food. Once we’ve processed the energy we need to get rid of the waste. Yup, you guessed it – I’m talking about disposing of BM’s.

For some of us its the best part of our day. Others despise it. And still others approach it as simple mechanics and don’t give it much thought at all. C’est la vie.

The fact of the matter is that all of us have been in unfortunate situations when we’ve experienced The Drop. This is when you feel your body’s internal gravitational pull telling you that something is careening through your insides and is about to show up at the exit without much patience. You need to act and act quickly.

During our weekly staff meeting we got to talking and we found out a few things. We all dispose of BM’s a lot! But more importantly experiencing the drop is nice when you’re feeling full, wearing sweatpants and have the luxury of being able to see your home court bathroom. Other times you’re not that lucky. So we put together our Top 10 List of the worst places we’ve been when nature has beckoned. Feel free to add your thoughts.

The Shade’s Top 10 Worst Places To Be Struck With The Urge To Poo

10. Day 2 and 3 of literally any music festival – If you’ve ever been to one of these things you know already. But for those of you who haven’t here’s what happens. The people in charge of emptying the porter johns get lazy. So, poop piles up. In some cases peaking up above the rim of the toilet. Its not pretty or desirable.

9. A foreign country where you don’t speak the language – This is awful. While the act of jumping up and down clutching your bum is pretty universal it reduces you to the lowest form of groveling. Plus bathroom (particularly in Europe) are small and the toilet paper technology is not anywhere close to what we have here in the good ole U.S. of A.

8. Traffic – Obviously. When pushed to the brink in this instance I’ve seen people make some very rash decisions.

7. Ski lift – Its a lonely place. You’ve insulated yourself from cold while making a quick strip down problematic. While most times the Great Outdoors is a nice place to release…its not on this occasion.

6. In the middle of a heated online gaming instance – As we all know online gaming is a fun and safe way to spend a night in. The problem is with the pesky pause rules set up with most games. If you’re struck by The Drop during a competitive exchange you may have to fold your hand for the imminent release.

5. Dinner parties – This really depends on the size of the dinner party – the smaller the worse off you are. The problem is excusing yourself for a period of time that is too long for people to believe you were peeing. Once you’ve been revealed by your absence when people look at you for the rest of the night they’ll think about you – shirtless – pushing out a squeaker.

4. A flight/and or airport – I grouped these items together for obvious reasons but the difficulties are a bit different. Planes are tough because the bathrooms are small and if you’re like me you like to spread out upon release. More important if your effort is particularly trying and you leave a bit of stink behind all eyes are upon you when you depart. So, not a great option. Airports are a bit different. Roomy, privacy is solid but strange things happen in airport bathrooms. Trust me.

3. During intimacy – Regardless if this is a first time make out session or with a veteran significant other having to stop sexy time because of a rumble and subsequent poopie can really kill a mood.

2. A professional sporting event – This is never good. For starters you’re missing the event you probably paid an obscene amount of money to see. But more importantly people drink at these events. Often times they drink heavily. Lines at the urinals get long and guys begin to use the stalls as the day/night goes on. As we all know your peeing accuracy is negatively correlated to your alcohol consumption….so just to the math.

1. Lap dance at a strip club – Similar to #3 you never want to be put in a position when your sex parts are tingling along with your poop parts. Its a conflict of interest I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.


- who has written 512 posts on The Shade.

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