Tag archive for "reins"

Features, The Written Word

Your 2016 Gaspee 5k Round-up

No Comments 12 June 2016

Enthusiasts,

The 2016 Gaspee Days 5k was one for the books. I know yours truly will not soon forget it!

Yes, it’s true, the entire staff is still mourning the (temporary) loss of Reins while he follows his dream traversing the Cascade Mountains in search of an audience with the rare Yeti-like creature Panboche. We all long for his poetic prose and miss his sharp reporting on deli meats, foot stink and digestion. However his absence is most sorely felt on The Shade’s athletic squad anchoring our running team. For years his odd posture and nimble feet earned him the nickname ‘Sour puss’. He became a fixture at the Gaspee Days 5k. Whispers of anticipation could be heard around dumpsters weeks in advance of race day.

Alas – since his departure – the entire Race Team had been fretting about where inspiration would come from this year. Luckily the guiding hand of Zoroaster brought us a gift in the 11th hour – Felicity Schlitz and the Shimmy Sham Handshakes.

  • Yes, she is a singular entity that prefers to be spoken of in pluralities
  • Yes, she’s a chicken nugget aficionado
  • Yes, she prefers ‘plain shirts’
  • Yes, she’s the newest member of The Shade staff heading up the new Youth Beat initiative

In short, she gave us the kick in the pants we’ve so sorely needed since Reins dumped us (sad face). She bobbed when everyone else weaved. Zigged when everyone zagged. Boom! She even tricked me into buying her a pack of madeleine cookies 30 seconds after I swore up and down that I would never do anything of the sort. Now THAT’S panache!

She showed up to the race, scrunchie in-hand (see: hair), working the crowd with a business-like attitude. Eyes always on the prize. As some of you know the Gaspee race course is a hilly, unforgiving little sucker. Upon zipping right through the course Felicity reportedly “kicked those hills’ butts”. While the rest of wheezed our way through we were all pleased as punch to be drunk on her youthful exuberance.

While Felicity was clear MVP she was almost outdone by her foil that day – the Public Address Lady. Boy, this lady was a tremendous shithead! Normally I can appreciate anyone who commits themselves so thoroughly to sucking every ounce of fun out of a good time. It truly is an artform I admire. But this lady…..ooooof! She brought no artistry to the endeavor. A real JV squad effort on her part. If the team didn’t have a luncheon date at Wendy’s immediately following the race I would have personally sought her out to give her a verbal dressing down she could have told her grandkids about. But, she escaped unscathed – an injustice we’ll have to endure, I guess.

In closing I’d like to welcome Felicity to The Shade family! Your shirt is currently in development and we’ll expect your dues check in the mail.

Still Wet with Sweat in Watertown,

Norm.

P.S. Mittens St. John (pictured below) was given a warm saucer a milk then tied up to a tree after reportedly attacking an elderly schmuck that was holding a Trump sign

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Poetry, reins

The Eugene-Gate Files: A Dream Sequence

No Comments 01 September 2015

We rented a rundown banquet hall on the other side of town for my farewell party and made it on a Monday from 2- 3:15pm in hopes that nobody would show up.  Just in case I sent my stand in.

I was in the back alley behind the Family Dollar enjoying a case of Stroh’s with Randy; the one arm pretend Vet that’s been in every branch of the military and been in every war from the crusades to the gulf conflict when he retired citing irreconcilable differences.  That’s when I got the call of a lifetime.

My neighbors, Anthony and Allie, bought me a stretch limo for my drive West.  They thought it would allow me to bring more of the sentimental items I love so much.  They couldn’t have been more right; I crammed the shit out of the limo.  Another surprise was they equipped it with a GPS attached to a Web link so everyone could see where I had been.  The best part was I could log in and drop pins to let people know the places that I stopped, what I did while I was there and what I didn’t like about it.  If it wasn’t for my fear of losing moisture I would have shed a tear.  Besides my hickory handle hatchet it was the best gift I’ve ever been given.

The trip was going great.  I stopped at the glass museum in Corning, NY and the spoon factory just outside of Dayton, OH.  As I crossed the Iowa border into the picturesque backdrop of Nebraska I noticed a car speeding up behind me.  It soon crossed the double yellow lines and pulled up next to me.  It was Anthony and Allie and they had diabolical looks on their faces.  Allie pulled out what looked like a controller for a remote car.  When she started fidgeting with it my limo started shrinking.

Before I knew it I was wedged between the steering wheel and all of my sentimentals.  The limo was now smaller than a Smart car and Allie had it spinning out of control.  When it crashed into the corn stalks there was a Michael Bay-like explosion and I was burning inside the condensed limo.  It was then that I woke up and looked around.

Everybody Loves Raymond was on and I couldn’t have been more thankful to not be in Nebraska.  I ate another slice of pizza, finished my Dr Pepper and went back to sleep.

Poetry, reins

A Glimmer of Light Through the Black Sun

No Comments 01 September 2015

Devastation can lead to triumph
Bad intentions, good intentions, no intentions
Can all lead down a dark road if not carefully monitored
It’s what is done when the road is at its darkest that makes the difference
Hopefully someone or something will provide a pinhole of light so the next step can be found
Hopefully that pinhole opens up to deep blue skies
And the road is easier to navigate
Not without time and effort

 

Reins.

reins, The Written Word

Reins’ Inbox- It’s All Natural

No Comments 18 June 2015

Hi Reins!

It’s Alex—your most favorite intern ever!!! I just wanted to say “hi”. I hope all is well. Quick question for youuu: I saw a bird today. It was big but not too big, brownish color but not too brownish, and it had 4 wings. Any idea of what it could be?? I really need to get your input on this concerning topic……..

I WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

Sincerely,

Your FAV Intern.

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Hi Alex,

This seems like it could turn into quite an inconspicuously canoodling conundrum that, if left unanswered, could turn one into quite the curmudgeon. Let me see if I can help$

A) That’s what we call a car. A 1987 Ford Tempo to be exact. The “wings” you refer to are called “wheels” and they make contact with the road and, hopefully, lead you back to your abode.

B) That is the ayahuascan sparrow. He is know to be prominent with the ingestion of the gift root. He can see the songs you’re listening to so make sure you’re Floyd heavy. Start with Meddle, Piper or Saucerful. Maybe Animals. Nah, fuck it. Meddle. Can you send him back over here? He’s not usually gone this long.

C) I think you walked in on 2 birds getting their stew on. Coitus as it’s known in some circles. If you want to be cliche about it turn up Marvin or Barry then back away slowly, grab some popcorn and watch nature happen. You know me; I’m going with anything from Iggy Pop’s catalog while getting stewed up.

D) Who is this?

Thanks for participating,

Reins

reins

Stair Climb 2015 Revealed

No Comments 01 June 2015

Dear Coach Simoneau,

We here at The Shade wanted to congratulate you on your impressive victory at this year’s Stair Climb.  We’re upset that we couldn’t be in attendance this year as we had a table at the Finger Lakes Finger Nail Clip Off but we recognize talent in its existence and you’re second to one.  We understand, that by some miracle, you secured a better time than Shoeless but let’s face facts; he is no Howard Trotsky.  At least Shoeless wasn’t suspended this time around.  That’s the best everybody could hope for.  Ever since Shoeless discovered that the Newport Creamery is right next to Auntie Anne’s in the mall his training and ambitions have started taking a back seat.  Howard embodies the American spirit and is a born leader.  You have your work cut out for you if you’re attempting to surpass his legacy.

The prize package that we’ve compiled for you takes in the true essence of the occasion and the direction that we believe you’ve come from and that you are headed.  Remember T-shirts are only as successful as their tuck.  Make sure you tuck properly!

Nice job in the past and good luck in the future,

Reins Hagglemayer

 

Post Script- the Tony Siragusa pee pad is only slightly used as it was purchased on Craigslist and the office staff wanted to try it out.

Ask Norman, reins

Dear Norman – Reins & Norm Explore

No Comments 15 April 2015

Dear Norm,

I found myself at the bad end of a bender and somehow ended up in a church.  There was singing, an organ playing, shaking hands and then near the end they let you take some money out of a basket.

Since that day I’ve been doing some reconnaissance to choose which religion is right for me.  At a Jewish church I spun a top and heard tall tales of finding change in the street.  At a Catholic church I was able to chew on some dried out cardboard and wash it down with a reddish liquid.  I don’t remember the 16 hours that followed and managed to lose my pants.  With a Rastafarian group I smoked ganja, kicked a soccer ball and listened to Bob Marley.  That could have been my friend Dave’s house; I don’t really remember.

While these and others have all been pleasurable experiences the Church of Scientology really intrigued me.  There is quite a bit going on there with all the different thetan levels to look out for.  Being Clear, E-meters and the evil Lord Xenu from the Galactic Confederacy. I mean let’s face it he’s probably best known for “Incident 2″.

Most religions have detractors or negativalists but Scientology doesn’t seem to.  It’s probably because the theory which started it’s ideology has science to back it up and the numbers just make sense. I can picture myself aboard Freewinds with the Sea Org obtaining the highest levels of Operating Thetan training.

I personally believe all of Mr. Hubbard’s writing is connected.  It’s like Countess Krak said in Mission Earth 5, “I’ll bet his spinbrush is all worn out…Maybe his nerve ends have gotten dull…Maybe he has grown a mustache and wants it speeded up…”  That’s got to be how you feel right before Clear.

I know I’m ready.

Thanks for listening,

Reins

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Dear Reins,

I can’t tell you how good it is to hear from you. Having not seen you since the Mid Winter Field Day, Rayburn and I were growing concerned. Just last week we were pondering the age old question “How much time do Alex Trebek and Pat Sajak spend together, if any?” and hit the existential ‘brick wall’. At such moments your absence is felt most. We feared you fell into one of your infamous Dorito Shembalas.

You’ve been busy eh? I’m glad you’ve tracked down your pants (presuming you have). I know how hard you worked on that hem.

On to more pressing matters.

It’s no surprise your quest is on-going. You’re a swashbuckler with miles to walk each night before you sleep. However, tread carefully in Hubbard’s realm.

Back in the mid 60s I was doing a stint at Warner Bros. fixing up lackluster scripts and got to know Hubbard a bit on the ‘writer’s circuit’. We met intermittently at Greenblatt’s on Sunset before Zagat entered the equation.

He often spoke of ‘thetans’ and nifty cowboy boots. He went on longingly about the depth’s of one’s soul and the difference between truth and a falsehood weighing no more than a feather. Most of the time he creeped me out but he had a car so I indulged him.

Things culminated when we were drinking nips one morning at Greenblatt’s. Hubbard was wont to take long, thoughtful swallows of his drink before talking. He could always bring a cliche to life. At that time he took it for granted that the real and true spirits were entering him with the fire of the liquor. He inhaled the animation around him then said:

“Emotion must never be wasted. Norm, keep clear on such things! When you’re older you may have the bad luck to have an affair with an ugly woman who may enjoy what you offer and has never been on daily terms with a man. She’s too ugly. You’re going to have trouble on your hands. Before long, she’s insatiable. You’ve given the taste of the forbidden to her. Remember I said that.”

He strode off through the door and left me to pay the bill. Presumably as payment for the session?

Take what you will from that advice. What concerned me more about Hubbard was that he longed to be both Alpha and Omega and when your best and worst motives agree on the same action, beware.

I apologize for being forward, but I think the best thing for you is to come home to the welcoming nook of The Shade’s office. We’ve taken to buying that ciabatta bread you like.

Adequately, but not overly concerned,

Norm.

reins

Sometimes I Walk Backward When Walking Forward Would Suffice

No Comments 14 August 2014

I board at 6:30 a.m. and it can’t come soon enough. The bar won’t serve me so instead of drinking an oatmeal stout I’m listening to 3 teenage girls next to me talk nonsense when they all agree that moving seats to watch the sunset is a really good idea because it is SO pretty.

Not only was I anxiously awaiting their departure but I was also wowed by their preparation. I ask what terminal they were headed to for sunset. They pointed out the window and said it’s right there.

I was wowed again.

Reins

reins, Shades of Gray, The Written Word

Staff Outing: The ROC Race

No Comments 04 August 2014

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The day was grey with a steady drizzle. Traffic on 95 was bumper to bumper. I was dealing with a vicious headache and an upset tummy. Expectations were in the basement. The perfect setting for a Shade Staff event.

The destination? The ROC (Ridiculous Obstacle Course) 5k Race at Gillette stadium. We were all carrying injuries – Rayburn had a hangnail, Reins thought he had mono and Kweezy had the dreaded case of the Mondays on a Saturday. Per usual Reins really came through with a bag of wet sandwiches that really turned the day around.

I know what you’re thinking “Guys why would you put yourselves in harm’s way? If something happens to The Shade the internet would die or, at the very least, be 10.2% less fun.” And I’d agree with you. Which is why we took extra precautions by having a few beers prior to action.

We went in with 2 goals:

1. Highlight our bods with form fitting shirts – check

2. Maximize exposure of The Shade – check

Our first and only bad decision was made right after crossing the start line. I completely blame myself. In an absurdly out-of-character move I urged the group to jog the first 1/4 mile. What a poor choice. Sitting here now I still can’t remember what I was thinking. Could it be lingering effects of the wet sandwich?

Luckily Rayburn slapped some sense into me with some mean verbal and that was the last of the jogging for the day.

The first few obstacles were a breeze. A few highlights:

1. Rein’s mid-swing flatulence propelled him 3 bars on the Gorilla bars. Even the volunteers were impressed…the contestants behind Reins even gave him a nod when they came to.

2. Rayburn combined ninja skills with a solid haircut to get some serious style points on the World’s Largest Moon Bounce.

3. Kweezy did a Tennessee Two Step across the Tight Rope Traverse that turned more than a few heads.

Mid race update:

Injuries = 0 vs. Shade Shout outs on the PA system = 2 (see goal #2 above)

It was after we nailed the Foam of Fury where things went south. The Jump Balls were downright dangerous. Rumor was the organizers picked up Chuck E Cheese rejects on the cheap. Kweezy tweaked her back on her unexpected dismount, Reins violated one of the rubber balls and my shoe came untied. We all left battered and bruised except for Rayburn who was light on his feet and maintained his men’s regular.

The Tarzan Swing was not my event to say the least. Still thinking about my untied shoelace I took the rope unprepared to give 100%. I had a good start however. I made it about 1/10th of the way through my swing before my arms gave out. Going down like a sack of potatoes, my tush made such an impact on the mat that the momentum created some berserk type of inverted whiplash that, thankfully, shot the knot directly back into my face giving me a pretty cool bruise on my cheekbone. (If anyone reading this has video please send it my way….my insurance company is very interested in the play-by-play)

Onward.

How we all faired on the Wrecking Ball obstacle will forever be lost to the sands of time. It was clear the only winner in that event was the slightly overweight man wearing the speedo that had “Arghhh” across the buttocks. He may have been Emcee’ing the event or just been a go-getter. Many things were unclear by this point.

In a shocking turn of a events upon landing at the bottom of the World’s Largest Inflatable Waterslide we were NOT met with crisp and delicious vodka tonics which was promised to us by a natty, stout man policing the parking lot pre race. Sadly, it was only water and NOT what the team was looking for.

We picked up the pieces and all put on a dry set of underpants. All in all it was a success. Could we have done more? Possibly, but who likes a show off? Could we have done it with more style? Impossible.

Shades of Gray

Morning Dew

No Comments 06 December 2013

I just saw a good samaritan bend over, pick up a crumbled something or other and throw it off the lid if the trash can.  When the crumbled something hit the ground she shrugged her shoulders and walked away.  I thought of picking it up and having my own “go” at this stubborn trash can but it’ s fortresses have sullied at least 2 previous attempts. I couldn’t start the day off with a moral loss of that magnitude.  If I was in top form, then sure, I’d pick that heap up and give this can a once over.  The proper thing for today is to walk away.  I’ll remember you trash can and I’ll see you again very shortly for some unfinished business…(pointing ferociously in the can’s direction) you can take that to the bank.

Shades of Gray

Urges, Restraint and Solutions…

No Comments 03 November 2013

From: Gil Forrester
Sent: Thursday, October 24, 2013 3:07 PM
To: Reigns Hagglemeyer
Subject: Basic Facilities Question

Hi Reigns,

Are there enough rest rooms in the building? As I say, kind of basic.

At 9:00 AM today (biologicial turning point of the coffee drinkerr’s morning perhaps?) I went to the 900 1st floor east further east MR, stalls full. Went to the one less far east, took a stall. I heard door the open, one man telling another, “full house here as well”. Analysis: at least two other men were walking around looking for a stall, and that wasn’t the first MR they tried.

Similar thing occurred perhaps 2 months ago. I made the rounds of this 1st floor East, including the lobby MR, then went to the 2nd floor where I checked the first and 2d MRs and found a spot.

Curious if this has been reported much, and what architects and consultants think. There must be industry formulas that involve a time factor. Obviously, larger facilities needed by auditoriums for example.

Thanks, Gil

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From: Reigns Hagglemeyer
Sent: Thursday, October 24, 2013 5:47 PM
To: Gil Forrester
Subject: RE: Basic Facilities Question

Gil,

For starters I’d like to say GREAT EXAMPLE, larger facilities needed by auditoriums is obvious. To answer the age old question, “Are there enough restrooms in the building?” the simple answer is yes…or no. I guess it’s really relative to the situation.

I’m not sure we need to delve deep into biology here but I think there is something that you need to know about. Similar to that of the synchronization of menstrual cycles to women in close proximity, Tufts Medical Center research out of Boston has recently published an article that coffee drinking men have a similar gene that rears its ugly head by inducing early to mid-morning craps among co-workers. To combat this there are a couple of different strategies you could employ.
First, try arriving 7 minutes early to work. This way, when Dan from finance is usually giving you those – the extra cream in his latte is going to cause an explosion of epic proportion eyes – you’ll already be trying to figure out today’s jumble long before he has a chance to suck down the morning’s belly bomb.

Another is, of course, to have some cheese with your morning coffee. A fair amount of cheese (or nature’s cork) could really bind you up enough that you may make it all the way to lunch without having peeled all of the paint off the bathroom walls.

If these dont’ seem feasible there is one other area to consider. You mentioned that you headed as far EAST as you could and then started moving back less EAST. Bad move. Sun Laboritories Inc. out of Tucson, AZ recently concluded a four year study in which they discovered the sun rises in the east. Who knew? What’s slightly more mind blowing is, in a symposium this past August to discuss their findings, SLI filled everyone in that the sun has such a strong gravitational pull, especially in the morning hours, that humans unknowingly travel EAST whenever the sun is out. Unlike the physical affliction of your stomach turning, the insatiable urge to head EAST can be combated mentally if you just take a page from the 1840s and do as the 49ers did – head WEST. If you head WEST you will most likely be all by yourself to enjoy the echoes of every grunt and groan you can muster in between Hagar and Family Circus (a personal fav).

In closing I would like to say that your persistence and tenacity when the moment strikes is something to be marveled at by the average man. As most of us would have been sent home early with an unwanted load in our pants you were able to find ‘a spot’ so…job well done.

Thank you for bringing this to our attention as we take every call with the greatest care and strive to provide the most accurate details.

Reigns

P.S.- I know this facility was build using standard industry formulas. It was my number the architect pulled from the consultant’s hat.


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