Tag archive for "reins hagglemeyer"

reins, The Written Word

Taking a seat at the adult table

No Comments 02 November 2016

I took a seat at a highway 58 eastbound rest area to ponder the meaning of life. I wasnt sure if i had what it takes for this particular  struggle until I saw the writing on the wall:  ‘David was here ’07′, ‘David is a fag alwayz’, ‘that’s not cool’, ‘f u’, ‘Scraggy bangs ur mom’, and so on. What was i to do with all of new found  knowledge! With every passage of this learned doctrine i fell deeper into the wormhole. So much in fact that i would occasionally forget to push. The deeper i fell the more questions i had; mostly because I’ve never been in a position of determination, preparedness or coincidence to effectively scribe my own visionary message on powder coated bound sheet metal. That would all change on this day as i spent some time signing autographs in the parking lot for a large Asian family that didn’t speak English. I thought they were taking a picture of me but as more time elapsed in this menagerie of thoughts i began to think they could have been photographing anything.  Equipped with the same black Sharpie i penned the message, “To Whom It May Concern, I’m not really sure where to begin as I am a newbie with stall scripture.  The typically human has roughly 14 minutes of sitting time before their legs go completely numb. Don’t get so caught up in the reading that you forget to check for toilet paper before it’s too late. Better luck to you.”

reins

Review of the McPick 2 for $2 from McDonald’s

No Comments 23 January 2016

I’m bold.  I went for the full monty- $4 for all four.  A McDouble cheeseburger, small fry, mozzarella sticks and a chicken sandwich.

The cheeseburger was equal parts wet and dry.  Thankfully it had an extra snicket of lubrication so it went down before the taste had a chance to set in.  The fries…definitely had salt on them.  How about a common app?  The mozz stick.  I’m pretty sure the requirements are as follows- McD’s area managers go to local Sam’s Club, buy as many gallon jugs of whole milk that will fit in their hatchback, let them sit in the basement for 3 months past the expiration date, slice open plastic jug with box cutter, pinch off and heavily bread chunks of the curdled milk, toss into deepfry, serve to people thinking they’re somehow going to receive a quality product from McD’s.

Lastly I face off against my mortal enemy.  Being allergic to poultry eating the chicken sandwich may seem ludicrous to those who know me but it’s possible it’s not real chicken.  If it is?  Well I was destined to start defecating wildly while vomiting the Lord’s praise anyway so why not induce symptoms as quickly as possible.

The only hope is that the Nic Cage movie I have picked out quells the violence within me.

Not this time.  Tomorrow I’ll try again reversing the order of the full monty.

Reins

Shades of Gray

Pencils Down- Take 2

No Comments 16 June 2015

Reins discusses bird shit and One Direction.

You’ve recently come under fire for your views on bird shit. Tell me about that?

RH- Sometimes I park where there is a tree because it happens to be the closest spot to my dwelling. In the morning, generally speaking, birds sit in the tree and shit on the cars that are parked underneath it. There’s a spot 10 feet back with no tree so the chances of getting shit on are much less. Sometimes that spot is vacant and I park there. Due to the fact that bird shit is a relatively harmless substance I find myself parking under the tree making the informed decision that I may have shit on my car in the morning. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t and I have no issues taking the gamble. It’s not all that disrupting to my day.

But it can be frustrating. What if you had just washed your car?

RH- Are you fucking serious? I don’t waste water like that. The next time it rains I’ll go outside and wipe my car down. It doesn’t bother me all that much. In the morning, every morning, I’d rather hear the gentle songs of some healthy birds and deal with some shit on my car than drive behind some oblivious motherfucker that doesn’t realize their blinker is on.

One Direction is really taking off. How does that make you feel?

RH- Huh? One way streets? I would prefer a roundabout or rotary.

No. The musical group One Direction. They sing songs.

RH- Hmmm. If people are talking about them they probably do something that those people like.

So you’re not into them?

RH- I just found out they are a thing. I’d have to research whatever that thing encompasses before I can accurately provide my opinion. My guess is, since you’re asking me you know I wouldn’t like whatever they do. I haven’t liked a musical accompaniment with a number in their name since The 5 Crescent Fellows disbanded in the late 90′s…or was it The Super Cres 5?

I think they changed to Super Cres after The Fellows broke up.

RH- That’s right. They had a real Jefferson Airplane thing going on there. Anyway, you know I’m pretty content with my Frank Caliendo stand up and live Devo records to get into something new right now.

Poetry, The Written Word

Tent in Process

No Comments 21 May 2015

That’s obviously a woodpecker in the distance
More closely, I have no idea what kinds of birds I’m listening to but they’re loud and they’re fond of today’s sunrise.
As I walk it is evident that black flies will accompany me on my travels
A constant battle of me versus them which was getting old, especially with the terrain involved.
As the summit approaches the slight wind to the east keeps the swarms away and allows for a peaceful beer.
The descent begins and the amount of hatched larvae this season starts rearing its ugly head.
Fuck these little fuckers.
The trail down was dry…and great because dry means fast.
The only downside was hoards of agitated flies
It wasn’t until I was driving home that I realized how many  bugs had taken liberties with me.
With each scratch I’m reliving the glory of every step.
Give me as many bug filled miles as you can dream up and I’ll check them out.
Thank you

reins

A Serious Case Of The Mondays

No Comments 07 May 2015

I awoke and decided the best thing to do for breakfast was watch a Don Cheadle Monday Multiplex Movie Marathon featuring Hotel Rwanda, Swordfish and The Conjuring. Next in line was a trip to the beach after a late lunch at the much revered Oyster Bar. The patio construction turned out to be perfect background ambiance, the stuffie was terrific, the lobster roll (which was detected during my walkthrough of the dining room during the 25 minute wait to be seated) was fucking scrumptious, the oyster po’ boy the woman next to me ordered was pretty good too. She was a great sport about everything, it was a pleasure to buy her lunch. Torrie our little tease of a waitress bringing me a slice of new york cheesecake with chocolate and caramel after telling me they were all out…you dirty dog. I felt just the right amount of awful to have some waves crash into me a 1/4 mile down the road. As I enter the water I have to face facts – it’s the beginning of May, the water is really starting to heat up and pretty soon people will be returning. Beach season is almost over. The stunning realization has me scratching my head with another case of the Monday’s.

Reins Hagglemayer

reins, The Written Word

Rayburn Re-asserts Himself As A Hero (Again)

No Comments 02 February 2015

Enthusiasts,

What a weekend eh? That Super Bowl blew my mind. The Championship is coming back to New England. We’re bracing for another FOOT of snow. And, most importantly, The Shade’s own Rayburn Schiltz took the better part of an hour yesterday morning to reassert himself as a bonafide hero.

The Setting

As part of The Shade’s commitment to dedicate <1% of our time to fitness the staff decided to engage with the Super 5K in Narragansett RI. The whole gang was there save Reins who picked up a knee niggle a few weeks back while arm wrestling for a ham on rye (here’s hoping he’ll be ready for broomball next week).

When asked how he prepared for the run Rayburn replied: “Not only did I have a hard boiled egg this morning, I trained in the snow, Rocky 4 style“. Possibilities = Endless.

With the wind whipping off the the bay and people excessively washing their hands in the only small bathroom available – bladders were strained and people were getting anxious. A perfect setting for Rayburn to excel.

The Event

A mitten malfunction caused me to lose track of time and before I could initiate my Whitney Houston playlist the shot rang out and the race was underway. Zing!

For me, participating in these types of events is an exercise in survival. Not for Rayburn though. He enters a Zen frame of mind. Things slow down, ideas and concepts crystallize in the amber.

Starting slow and steady all the spectators were keeping a close eye on The Shade’s Foot Soldiers to keep their fingers on the pulse. With a shimmy roger, Rayburn separated himself from the pack. One just assumes Billy Ocean was blaring.

Fighting gravity and general unease the pack gained on Rayburn and yet he persisted. At it’s most challenging, Rayburn came face to face (er, bum) with a woman who refused to buy the appropriate size spandex.

At moments like this lesser men succumb to fatigue, disgust and crumble. But as Rayburn always says – “When life gives you quince, you make ambrosia”. And that’s exactly what he did – he put his head down, dug deep, coughed and pushed on.

The crowd took a collective gasp.

Showtime

With a quarter mile left, spectators locked in on his progress as he shot through The Towers. He had the end in sight. Performances like this inspire a nation. As such a soft rumble emerged from the crowd:

“Rayburn, Rayburn”

Unaffected, Rayburn focused on his wheeze and awkward gait. Only in his final sprint did he notice the throngs of people chanting his name.

“Rayburn, Rayburn”

Always wanting to please his fans, he gave the people what they wanted and started to shed layers.

PhotoGrid_1422886900413

 

A Legend Was Made

Upon finishing Rayburn was approached by race officials to talk about run times. With the shake of the hand Rayburn turned them away just saying “I’m not interested, I know I can do better“. Confused and contemplative the volunteer shuffled off with a new perspective on things.

Not wanting to be the center of attention Rayburn kept running right into the Atlantic – both to cool off and give some of the young guys the limelight.

PhotoGrid_1422886519524

 

The Banquet

At the following banquet Rayburn was good enough to sign some autographs, eat a few rolls and discuss localized energy grids.

We learned a lot today. Not least of which was Rayburn, reminding us yet again, that he is a bonafide hero.

The Staff.

 

Shades of Gray

The Shade’s Top 10 Tips for Working From Home

No Comments 26 January 2015

Enthusiasts,

As I write this a storm of epic proportions is bearing down on New England. Like any fortunate soul in the 21st century most of us are lucky enough to work from home tomorrow given the conditions. At first blush this may sound like a cake walk. However, working from home is as much an art form as the 9th century weaving loom. There are best practices that should be consulted to remain productive enough to perpetuate the practice.

The Shade’s own T.W. has been ‘working from home’ since 8th grade. That was before degrees could be earned online mind you. So, how did he do it?

Reins is still trying to figure it out.

But with T.W. as your Talisman the staff got together to give YOU The Shades…

 

Top 10 Tips For Working From Home

 

10. First things first, write drafts of 3-5 emails you’ll need to send throughout the day

9. To avoid the temptations of the seedy side of the internet put a picture of your boss somewhere in sight of your laptop

8. Follow multiple browser tab protocol as usual to detour significant other

7. Get your movie line up set early and often….focusing heavily on Westerns, Steven Seagal & Bill Murray.

6. I cannot stress this enough, have plenty of gummies on hand. Sour Patch Kids, Twizzlers, Marlboro Lights….whatever it takes.

5. Hydrate with your favorite beer every 15-20 minutes. (it goes without saying that coffee and water are consumed liberally first thing)

4. The Price Is Right is on at 11. This is easy to forget given that you’re normally clearing room for lunch at that time.

3. Change clothes at least once a day, and rotate rooms on a ‘side-out’ basis

2. Always remember, 3 p.m. comes quicker than you’d think when you cut out the b.s.

1. Just have fun out there.

Shades of Gray

Wednesday Poem of the Week

No Comments 29 October 2014

Please of Desperation

Every now and then we do get desperate

Desperation seems a precursor to unheralded confusion

Is confusion just misguided thinking

A deep breath and logic are tools

Not always used but always available

I stretch before I run

I also tie my shoes before I stretch

Sometimes I don’t wear shoes

Reins

reins

Rein’s inbox

No Comments 16 October 2014

Email I received:

What the heck was the Balkan conflict?

My response:

At a wine and dine event to save nesting sea turtles on the banks of the Adriatic Sea David Edward Balkan had hot soup spilled on his new slacks by longtime Soviet antagonist Kirshov Valdergard. When Mr. Balkan demanded an apology, $24.85 for the cleaning, and a new bowl of soup Kirshov responded, “The slacks aren’t even worth the amount of spilt soup nevermind the $24.85 for the cleaning.”

Once the crowd in the area started laughing uncontrollably it started a classic case of bunched panties for David. After about 9 years and a few deaths the area is still in a bit of political unrest.*

*Mr. Balkan ended up paying for his slacks and new soup.

Response email I received:

You are nuts.

reins

Sometimes I Walk Backward When Walking Forward Would Suffice

No Comments 14 August 2014

I board at 6:30 a.m. and it can’t come soon enough. The bar won’t serve me so instead of drinking an oatmeal stout I’m listening to 3 teenage girls next to me talk nonsense when they all agree that moving seats to watch the sunset is a really good idea because it is SO pretty.

Not only was I anxiously awaiting their departure but I was also wowed by their preparation. I ask what terminal they were headed to for sunset. They pointed out the window and said it’s right there.

I was wowed again.

Reins

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