Tag archive for "norman mailer"

Ask Norman

A New Dear Norman – Where do the hubbies go?

No Comments 20 February 2015

Dear Norm,

Where do hubcaps go when they are lost? I lost mine today somewhere between here and there. All this snow has just been too much!

Is there a warehouse with forgotten hubbies? Do the homeless pick them up and use them as shields? Do cops take them and sell them on ebay?

I’m willing to do anything to get it back. Anything!

Wondering in Watertown

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Dear Wondering,

While today’s plastic discs are are a far cry from the nickel-plated Houks I enjoyed on my ‘46 Studebaker, believe me I am empathetic to your plight. I ‘misplaced’ a ham sandwich last week that I’m still thinking about. I turned to get a glass of milk and when I came back to the counter it was gone. It’s absence spooked me.

But your question has been considered by some of the greatest minds we’ve had. Where do lost things go? Is a thing ever really lost? Was it for a purpose?

Such questions are beyond my sphere of influence. I suspect they’re beyond Robert Mitchum’s as well. That said, I’ll offer this for inspiration: “Forget everything, and focus on what’s in front of you

If none of this is applicable I suggest checking the culvert at the intersection of Belmont St. and Orchard. That’s where I always find my lost goods. If you do venture down there and run into Ramon please tell him to kindly ‘fuck off’.

With on-going resentment,

Norm.

 

Ask Norman

A New Dear Norman, What A Day!

No Comments 20 May 2014

Dear Norm,

I’m important.  I run the recreational volleyball league for my office.  According to the league’s power index I am currently ranked 2nd overall in bumping, setting and spiking with a #1 overall ranking in rotating (following side-outs).

Last week I organized a pick up scrimmage for the league’s participants to dust off the winter cobwebs and prepare for the grueling season ahead.  I’m not sure if we woke them up by playing or if they were just out looking for trouble but a large swarm of gnats began swarming around the court as we played.  It’s not clear if they came from inside the sand or just the general area around the court.

Many players were getting bit, including myself, which turned out to be a real nuisance to all players especially during gameplay.  Once the official league games start I’m concerned that if these gnats can’t be controlled or contained they will really start to hurt my statistical performance with all of the biting and general nuisancing.  I’m really hoping to impress Mary from the IT department this season and if my power rankings start dropping I’m not sure she’ll find me as attractive.  Do you think I should call in a gnat specialist to check the area to see if it can be sprayed with a gnat repellant??

Beleaguered near Boston

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Dear Beleaguered,

I know the rigors of trying to impress the fairer sex with sport.  During last years Toothbrushing Championships I was so nervous trying to win the heart of my tournament crush that I missed a bicuspid and didn’t even earn a spot on the podium.

For your issue I will provide a couple of possible solutions and maybe you could bring them to Mary and get her opinion?  This way not only are you resolving the gnat problem but also showing her that you value her opinion in resolving matters that are as complicated as this.

Here are a couple of things you might want to try: 1) relocate the court.  Pick up the nets and sand and move them to a nearby area controlled by a less hostile swarm. 2)  Screw it!  Drop volleyball and join the local marionette theatre.  3) Turn off the music.  I know you like it and it is an inspiring song, especially for sport but a recent study out of Harvard’s School of Entomology confirms that gnats are drawn to Chumbawumba.  If you keep playing “Tubthumping” your going to keep having gnats.  Subsequently, a study of gnats related to Techno was conducted by Andover EDMologist Justin Stoltz who said, “The colors melt me like chocolate.  I have extra glow sticks if you need them.  We’re good friends, right?  We should totally start doing stuff together.”  4) Grow a pair.  You have a volleyball court at your work and are complaining about bugs being outside. I think Mary’s already made her decision.

Fuck off,

Norm.

Shades of Gray

Celebrating Norman Mailer

No Comments 31 January 2014

If you’re following along on the Regrets & Inspiration calendar you know it’s a big day around here at The Shade HQ. It’s Norman’s birthday! Throughout the day we’ll be sharing some of our favorite clips of Norman. The clips we usually show to kick off staff meetings.

Send any/all thoughts to GetIntoTheShade@gmail.com.

Shades of Gray

Thankfully, It’s A Mailer Monday

No Comments 07 October 2013

Nazi’s, Pharoah’s erection size and an assessment of Bill Clinton’s presidency….lots covered here.

Shades of Gray

Thankfully, It’s a Mailer Monday

No Comments 16 September 2013

Truer now than its ever been

Shades of Gray

Thankfully, Its a Mailer Monday

No Comments 09 September 2013

Mailer and MNF…all is well in the world

Shades of Gray

Thankfully, Its a Mailer Monday

No Comments 26 August 2013

Good tip Norm.

Shades of Gray

Thankfully, Its a Mailer Monday

No Comments 12 August 2013

Sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes the bar cracks you in the head with a hammer. Word on the street is that this performance helped Rip Torn get his role in Dodgeball

Shades of Gray

Thankfully, A Mailer Monday

No Comments 02 July 2013

A few highlights on his musing on Picasso….

“Reality is a huge mountain and style enables you to go up a different face.”

“His pornographic drawings are extraordinary…they’re better than anyone I know”

Brilliant

Shades of Gray

Ask Norman – Too Young For Dysfunction?

No Comments 16 November 2011

Dear Norman,

My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and been sexually active exclusively from pretty much the beginning.  Recently though, I’ve been having trouble staying “aroused”as long as I used to and its clearly effecting our bang sessions.  I’m only 25, I didn’t think this sort of stuff happened until I reached my 30s, so I wonder if its just all in my head.  Any suggestions to help or get rid of this problem?

Flaccid in Phoenix

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Dear Flaccid!

First of all congrats because you say you’ve “been sexually active exclusively from pretty much the beginning”. I have been known to enter into intimacy with a woman from time to time and can certainly attest to the fact that its not easy. However, I’m familiar with your issue and I have a few suggestions.

#1. Watch a few movies starring Daniel Day Lewis. Don’t ask questions, just make it happen. Worst case…you stop wearing pleats.

#2. If possible, stop masturbating. You and I both know you know how to touch yourself in a way thats pleasing. Give your girlfriend a fair shot! She does not have your experience with YOUR chips and salsa. Similar to international markets, leveling the playing can only benefit.

#3. Ask your girl friend about things that piss her off. Watching your girlfriend express her anger can only be sexually arousing.

Thanks for writing, and eat shell fish (but check on allergies first please!)

Norm.

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