Tag archive for "Mr. Miserable"

Checking It Out, Shades of Gray

Musings From The Thought Machine: Human Memory vs. Computer Memory

No Comments 15 July 2015

Socrates may have been mistaken about the effects of writing (not to mention the scientific method), but he was wise to warn us against taking memory’s treasures for granted. His prophesy of a tool that would “implant forgetfulness’ in the mind, providing ‘ a recipe not for memory, but for reminder,” has gained new currency with the coming of the web. The prediction may turn out to be merely pre-mature, not wrong. Of all the sacrifices we make when we devote ourselves to the internet as our universal medium, the greatest is likely to to be the wealth of connections within our own minds.

Its true that the web is itself a network of connections, but the hyperlinks that associate bits of online data act nothing like the synapses in our brain. The web’s links are just addresses, simple software tags that direct a browser to upload another discrete page of information. They have none of the organic richness or sensitivity of our synapses. The brain’s connections don’t merely provide access to memory, they in many ways constitute memories. The Web’s connections are not our connections and no matter how intelligent, subversive or complex companies like Google want to make their tracking mechanisms they will never become our connections.

When we outsource our memory to a machine we also outsource a very important part of our intellect and even our identity. William James, in concluding his 1892 lecture on memory said:

“ The connecting is the thinking. The connecting is the self”. In other words critical thinking is not only distinctly human but it is the essence of humanity.

Human memory is alive, computer memory never will be. When the human mind recalls memories to evaluate, associate and decipher it is in fact a different mind that originally experienced that memory. Computers will never be able to do this.

Screw all you kids

Mr. Miserable

Ask Norman

Mr. Miserable: The Epidemic of Adult SIPPY Cups

No Comments 22 April 2015

Dear Morons,

Am I the only one noticing the epidemic of adults using SIPPY cups? What the hell is going on here?

Everywhere I look I see nimrods sucking away on a on their goddam SIPPY cups like it was their mama’s teet. What’s wrong with you people? If you get thirsty swallow your spit. If you get REAL thirsty grab a beer.

Oh no, not any more. These days if one feels a spot of dryness coming on they flip up their plastic no-drip nipple and start sucking away.

For the adult SIPPY cup enthusiasts….help me out. I’m doing some market research. Which of the following applies to you:

  1. You think you look real cool and are saving the environment with your SIPPY cup
  2. You don’t give a shit
  3. You have no fucking clue and do what everyone else does

I might have a shred of respect for people that chose option 2. But still, why not just walk around with an industrial strength zip-lock bag of water and stick your stupid face in it when you want a drink? It might fit better in your fanny pack.

For option 1…whatever happened to Nalgene bottles? They serve the same purpose except you don’t look like a donkey when you extract the water.

As for the rest of you, grow up and smarten up.

Mr. Miserable.

Shades of Gray

Mr. Miserable is sick of Arcade Fire and Other things

No Comments 07 November 2013

Enough is a goddam-nuff,

Am I the only one that’s sick and tired of hearing about Pearl Jam & Arcade Fire? If I am, the rest of you should kill yourselves. If i’m not, good for you. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders.. I’m going to break this missive up in 2 discreet sections:

Dear Eddie,

Give it up. You bring little innovation to the table now. Irrelevancy is approaching faster than the risk of prostate cancer and you’re music is no longer that good. I heard a ‘single’ during the ‘outro’ of the World Series. Joe Buck was a big fan. Nice job. Really impressed. The Rolling Stones you are not. Fade away, be gracious. Don’t be an asshole.

Dear Arcade Fire,

You really bother me. You got away with one. No one gave a shit about you and, shockingly, the ‘challenged’ folks at the Grammys gave you a Best Album nod. You’re predictable, mundane and not in any way, shape or form creative or interesting. I found you out. I listened with an ear that wasn’t wearing a goddam hipster hat grasping for the next coolest thing. I enjoy benchmarks like Black Sabbath and Radiohead. I yawned and wished you wouldn’t take yourselves that seriously. Maybe get a haircut. God forbid you do something badass…being a rock band and all. Indie rock is not a genre it’s a curtain to hide behind.

You’re a product of an over-stimulated blogging community with no real sense of quality struggling to find a band to define who they are.

I sincerely hope you fail because if you succeed you’ll set our youth back decades.

If anyone reading this is interested in good, new music you’ll be well served checking out Pete Dougherty’s new album.

I hope the end is soon.

Shades of Gray

Mr. Miserable Takes On Rolling Stone

No Comments 25 July 2013

Terrorists being on the cover of a soon-to-be obsolete form of reading material? This is what we’re worried about? Who the hell cares about Rolling Stone anyway? Ever since the Good Doctor HST left each issue has been a steaming pile of cow dung each one worse than the last as far as I’m concerned. Matt Taibbi has done some good work however.

Rolling Stone lost credibility way back when they put Maroon 5 on their cover. Why was there no outcry when people were perceiving them as rock stars? Those two bit ninnies couldn’t hold the match to Ozzy’s butthole so he could fart in their collective faces.

Obsolescence is why they did it. So you people would remember the magazine still exists. I”m disgusted with myself for even crawling out from under my rock to have to write this. It’s a feeble grasp at safety and relevance. Think of an old man clutching for the handicap rail as he tries to lower himself to the toilet in a public restroom. His thighs are too weak, his hands will slide down the bar and eventually let go and both the old man and Rolling Stone will end up in the same place – in a shit speckled toilet surrounded by questionable solicitations.

And good for you CVS, Stop & Shop and whatever other corporate American suck-ass company decided to pull it from their shelves before the street date even arrives.  Truth is this is a classic story of heroes vs. villains where the good guys came out on top. Besides how many times did the joker appear on the cover of a batman comic?

Happy Sailings You Jerks,

Mr. Miserable

Shades of Gray

Mr. Miserable’s Friday Blast Off

No Comments 01 December 2012

So. Its the holiday season and everyone’s happy. Big friggin deal.

Whoever started stretching black friday into black friweek? I’d like to meet him just to shove a piece of my sour apple pie in his mug. No one wants to buy your crap. Not Friday, not Saturday, not ever. And if you do want to buy crap send me your address I’ll give you some for free.

Which brings me to my next point: I don’t care for tight jeans on men and you shouldn’t either. They make women feel self conscious when they are able to wear smaller sizes. Not to mention it is always disconcerting to find a bulge in front or lack thereof. It just leads to too many questions I don’t want answered. Just buy Wranglers – I hear their crotches are sewed with a U shape in mind and not a V.

Lastly, what in the good goddam is going on with this thing called gangnam style? When I first heard about it I thought it had to do with gang violence. No joke. When I finally get around to looking into it, it turns out its all about this guy jumping around like a Shanghai rooster in heat.  If gangnam is a style of Korean lavish life, I want no part in visiting Korea. Being able to mimic a dance move is only cool if it came from Michael Jackson or Christopher Walken first. I just don’t get it anymore I guess. Its very likely I never did.

And another thing: whoever owns the baby down the street would you please do something about that? The filthy creature cries from 5:45 am to 7:15, conveniently correlated with my most precious sleeping hours. I would rather never wake up than to be woken up by things that aren’t directly meant for waking me up.

Was anyone surprised that Sean “Diddy” Combs’ fashion line was manufactured in Bangladesh?

Xoxo,
Mr. Miserable

Features

Mr. Miserable’s Friday Blast Off

No Comments 16 November 2012

I’ve had just about enough of bad breath. What is it with you people? Its everywhere. Work, home, 7-11, grocery store. Everywhere. Thank god for the internet. For once. Its the only place for respite against this problem.

This isn’t hard people. Just brush your teeth, drink water, floss occasionally and – god forbid – buy a pack of gum for $1.39. We claim to be in a new era of human civilization where we all walk around with the world in the palm of our hand eh? We’re all connected 24/7. Well, what the hell good is that if it smells like WWIII in our mouth. No thanks.

Maybe its just me but body odor isn’t close to as bad. Body odor I understand. But this halitosis epidemic is something altogether different. I’ve smelled stenches coming out of people’s mouths that could shellac a stucco house.

And if you think this issue is confined to men, think again. Women are just as bad if not worse. Depressing I know.

People, we’re doing great things as a country and as a species. We’ve isolated the so-called ‘god particle’, we’re working towards an affordable health care system for all here in the U.S. and we’re just getting comfortable with guys (and gals) kissing each other. In short, we’ve come a long way…the least you could do is suck on a breath mint.

Clean up your act,
Mr. Miserable.

Shades of Gray

Mr. Miserable’s Friday Blast Off!

No Comments 24 August 2012

People,

Lets start with good news. This week the BBC reported on a study that proved people were just as miserable on Mondays than they were on all the other days of the week (save Friday). So, it seems like my life’s work is really taking hold. Next stop….ruining your weekend!

Now, lets get on with it eh?There’s a few thing that chafed my buttcheeks this week:

#1 – Who the hell is this goddam woman that wants to swim from Florida to Cuba? This woman is turning 63 this week AND she’s tried this 3 times before (and failed). Get a grip lady, you’re a senior citizen…act accordingly. Any reasonable human knows that feats of physical strength don’t get easier with age. And a wise man once said – if you can’t win just quit. So, stop costing tax payers and start buying some semi sweet chocolate to bake cookies for the kiddies.

This woman attempted something impossible and used up a massive amount of resources while some other people in legitimately dangerous positions could have died? Oh yea, and you DIDN’T do it. Nice job – America is proud.

#2 – And speaking of old people being worthless…did you read about this story from Spain? Some looney old lady decided to ‘fix up’ an old mural in her church by painting over an old work of art. Doris, this isn’t arts and crafts night at Michaels. The old bat literally just started painting over a masterpiece. The church has brought in some restoration specialists but they’re not optimistic. Attention old people – you’ve lived your life. Stay home and out of our hair.

Moving on.

#3 – Homeless people in Boston sum up America’s problem.

Lets get some context shall we? I used to walk by a heady and well-spoken homeless man that bared a striking resemblance to Mark Twain every day. I found him charming because he waxed poetic about not having any good excuse for asking for money but he was being honest in his pitch.

At first I found the charm of the new approach alluring I’d rather crumple up dollar bills and throw them at my cat before giving to the needy). But, after the 5th time hearing it, it started feeling very similar to watching a show for the 50th time in syndication and not laughing at the parts you once laughed at. At the 100th time hearing it I was disappointed in America.

Not only has our economy become so complacent with making money by producing nothing, but our homeless people feel the same! I don’t know which is more entitled and, ergo, disappointing.

It used to be that if you wanted a good indication of a society’s values you should take a look at their penal system – in essence how does a society treat its most troubled and dangerous members. Nowadays I feel like our homeless population (at least in Boston) sums up our national issues more accurately, which is ‘Give me something for nothing so i can sit around and do more nothing’. Great job guys, keep it up

Indifferently,

Mr. Miserable

Shades of Gray

Mr. Miserable’s Friday Blast Off – Special Olympic Edition!

No Comments 27 July 2012

Ok, fine. The Olympics are here and all you fools will get excited. For what?

You think these games are all about fun and international companionship? I’ve got news for you boy-o. You’re dead wrong. The people in charge of this thing are laughing all the way to the bank. Even worse…the sons of bitches are fascists. No joke.

Lets start from the beginning shall we? A twit by the name of Baron Pierre de Coubertin is supposedly the father of the ‘modern’ Olympic games. He was a stickler for this goddam event being a beacon of good hope that brought the world together. Well tell that to Avery Brundage. Good ole Avery was the chairman of the American Olympic Committee in 1936 and lobbied hard to NOT have the games moved from Berlin at the height of the Nazi reign. He had a good reason though. He figured only 12 Jews had represented Germany in the Olympics up until that point so its logical that they wouldn’t have any representation on the German squad in 1936. These are facts….look it up.

The people at the IOC thought Avery did such a good job in his post as American Olympic Committee chairman that he was elected president of the IOC in 1952 and he held this post for 20 years. During this time the Olympic ‘definition’ of amateur increasingly became more lax until, in 1971, the keyword amateur was eliminated from the Olympic charter. During the tragedy when 11 Israeli olympians were murdered by Palestinians at the 1972 games in Munich, Brundage was the one who said “the games must go on” and allotted only one day for mourning. What a softy eh?

During this time the countries behind the Iron Curtain were paying their ‘amateur’ athletes by giving them trivial civil service jobs which they never had to show up for. All this while the rest of us were sending….actual amateurs to the games. Good looking out Avery.

In an effort to keep the hits coming the IOC elected a Spaniard by the name of Juan Antonio Samaranch as Brundage’s successor. Samaranch was impressive in his own right. This all is despite his status as being a bonafide fascist. As in being photographed attending a ceremony mourning fascist martyrs in 1956 AND photographed giving a fascist salute as late as 1974. This guy was the president of the IOC until 2001! And he awarded Moscow the 1980 games despite the Soviet’s invasion of Afghanistan. Oh, and Samaranch was elected honorary IOC president for life. How does this happen?

I’m literally stunned, shocked and outraged with the IOC’s resume. But what else is new. The current IOC president Jacques Rogge explained the Olympic mission in 2009 as such:

“Through the Olympic spirit, we can instill brotherhood, respect, fair play, gender equality and even combat doping”

Given the IOC’s track record I’d say that mission statement is a little off.

I’ll end on one other juicy nugget about the IOC. They put up zero money for the operations of the games but control all the rights and profits for licensing Olympic symbols. Cities have to compete for the honor of hosting the games. BUT the IOC is sure to collect a portion of the advertising dollars that come in through selling partnerships to companies like McDonalds. Oh, and nations have nothing to do with who gets voted into leadership positions. Thats all handled internally.

So as you’re enjoying the games over the next month just think about all the bullshit and downright criminality that comes along with these games.

Enjoy!
Mr. Miserable.

Shades of Gray

Mr. Miserable’s Friday Blast Off

No Comments 13 July 2012

Ok ok,

I hope you’re all having a ‘great time’ this summer.

Its hot as hell, I can barely breathe and evidently Americans have a third-world mentality when it comes to body odor. Normally I wouldn’t care because I don’t want to come within 10 feet of you or your loved ones. But as I depend on public transportation every day I’m forced to mingle.

Other than the heat there’s three other points that are chapping my buttcheeks this week.

#1 – This whole Daniel Tosh debacle. Ok, if you’re enough of a fan of Tosh to go to his live performance a rape joke completely surprises you? This is the same guy that showed the bursting of an elephants inner digestive track on his show right? Get a grip. If you don’t like his humor, thats cool. Its America….don’t pay to go see him or contribute to his viewers by watching his show. As Patton Oswalt so astutely pointed out a comedian’s act is just that – an act. Would you get mad at Brad Pitt if he really nailed a role where he was playing a rapist? (and he would kill it)

#2 – The Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes divorce. I’ll be honest, when this thing broke I was psyched (and that happens 1-2 times a year). I thought Scientologists would be descending onto the streets in flying carpets to steal the souls of the true heathens. Sadly, they’ve been largely mum. Poor form. What I don’t want to see is major news outlets shoving pictures of Katie Holmes and her rat kid enjoying the zoo in my face.

#3 – Rubberneckers. I’m sure most of you are doing a good amount of driving this summer right? We’re all broke and can’t fly anywhere so its our only option. You’ve no doubt found yourself setting in mind-numbing traffic for hours just to eventually find out the cause of  your frustration is a fender bender. This is potentially reason #1 why I hate people. Rubbernecking is a disgusting and disappointing indictment on human nature and you should all be ashamed. If you would just listen to Harry Belafonte on long rides you wouldn’t be concerned with anything that happens outside the car because the rhythm inside the car would be too dense and all consuming.

Anyways, I hear West Nile is back in town. So perhaps things are looking up?

I would hate you so much more if I actually cared.

Mr. Miserable

Features

Mr. Miserable’s Friday Blast Off!

No Comments 01 June 2012

Zombie Apocalypse?! Please. You people make me sick. Another sign on the road to America’s collapse? Perhaps. But End of Days? No way. I’m not that lucky.

Listen: As Americans its our god-given right to have too much time to fuck around with. I’m pretty sure its written somewhere in The Constitution.

For some of us, taking drugs is a fun-filled activity to waste some of that time. But Jesus, huffing bath salts and gnawing on someone’s face afterwards? There’s plenty of more productive ways to spend your time after tapping into the amber super highway. Like truly exploring Stevie Wonder’s entire catalog, or logging in a few episodes of West Wing. I’d even accept spacing out…daydreaming we used to call it back in my day. At least you’d be chasing some original thoughts in that noodle of yours (hopefully).

I was almost impressed with this bath salts phenomenon a few years ago when it first came across my desk. I thought it was an indicator of some good ole-fashioned American Ingenuity for our youth. At least you were putting your intellectual curiosity into some kind of pursuit – even if it was chemically-induced mind altering. But hey, I can dig it!

Then I turn my back for one minute and you nitwits go eating people’s faces getting everyone upset. Given the recent influx of zombie related entertainment I can’t think of anything MORE cliche. Have a little more creativity for christ’s sake.

As American Youth’s creative drive goes down the toilet the so-called American Dream isn’t too far behind. I don’t know the exact reason(s) behind this demise but I’ve got a few thoughts:

Overstimulation. Sensory overload. We have some much going on we don’t know where to start so we clutch for the only thing thats easy and gives some instant results. Internet porn, huffing bath salts…you name it. We’ve got tunnel vision for the road easiest traveled. Its like we’re listening to John Scofield with headphones on wearing a good buzz getting caught up in a 25 minute rift to nowhere. Come on people, we’ve got to remember to change the track every once in awhile.

In unrelated news – if you ever liked The Dropkick Murphys you should be ashamed of yourself. If you STILL like them please kill yourself.

I’m heading up to the northwoods this weekend so I don’t have to see any of you people. If I run into flesh-eating zombies I’ll be sure to give him a good ole fashioned joint and tell him to clean up his/her/its act.

I hope you all experience some disappointment in the near future.

Indifferently,
Mr. Miserable

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