Sexy Memoirs, Top Ten

Top 10 Things To Do In February to Buck Up

No Comments 11 February 2016

February stinks. Football is over, Valentine’s day is depressing and/or expensive plus it’s got a smug, silent letter. It’s the only month where the number of days are mucked around with on a seemingly random basis. Speaking of – no leap year has been skipped since 1900 and no others will be skipped until 2100. Spooky.

What gives with this goddam month?

We don’t know either, but we’re 100% with you on having a case of the frumps. Staffers have been moping around the HQ doing the sad dad dance now for going on 2 weeks. SO, we called a staff meeting and put our heads together to come up with the Top 10 Things To Do In February to Buck Up:

10. Learn some swear words in Esperanto

9. Watch the Coldplay halftime show for like the thousandth time

8. Do Djokovic-approved squat thrusts

7. Use your finger in a way that maybe you haven’t

6. Try a new Salad dressing (salad dressing Raphael perhaps?)

5. Read Sexy Memoirs Chapter 5: Brown House with Pink Shutters 

4. Work on new candle scents like “post nasal drip” and “moldy box of playboys”

3. Start research for your cell phone upgrade

2. Celebrate a holiday you have never celebrated before and go big.  Maybe host a party?

1. Intertwine things you want with things you need

Sexy Memoirs

Chapter 7: Case of the Withering Azaleas

No Comments 14 February 2015

Roses and Valentine’s day are like fried chicken and MLK day.  You need them to make the holiday complete and because of that your gonna pay a premium.

But this year I was not giving into the over priced clique just to get my valentine to ride my baloney pony. To avoid the crowds at the flower stores and needing to rack up my gas rewards I went to the local Stop & Shop to see what alternatives were available.

Even there the shelves had been scavenged like the 4th season of The Walking Dead, but in the back of the case was a lowly pot of azaleas.  The price was right, the color combinations were dynamite and as long as I gave it enough water, these things would be withering no more. So I make the purchase and continue onto the most essential need of V day, alcohol.

Dinner cooked, all 4 ice trays filled, and Pandora set to the Keith Sweat station nothing left to do but pop my horny goat weed pill to offset that bottle of Macallan I drank in anticipation of tonight’s events.  I walk over to the medicine cabinet and grab the bottle – it’s light and as I take the cap off I realize it’s empty and as I sulk in the magnitude of my mistake she walks through the front door pronouncing…”Happy Valentine’s day!  Oh are these flowers for me?”

Sexy Memoirs, Short Stories

Sexy Memoirs Chapter 6: Buy 1 get 2 free…the ultimate coupon

No Comments 28 May 2014

With summer quickly approaching, the pressures of landscaping, manscaping and getting those lungs in shape for the Gaspee day 5k are bearing down hard on this finely tuned body I’ve worked so hard on for the past 10 business days. Be that as it may nothing gives more joy during the longer daylight hours then a trip to the local fireworks store 92 miles away. This one was gonna be a real treat, for I received a coupon for their buy 1 get 2 free event and like every other situation I prepare myself for, I was going to take advantage of it to my fullest.

It started off like previous trips – 6 pack of natty ice, vaporizer full of hash and plenty of duvets to cover the contraband. I stop at Master McGrath’s for the celebratory 3 shots of whiskey, nothing beats purchasing firepower on a whiskey buzz, then head over to the destination. With my cart of assorted gunpowder and a smile from ear to ear, I come across a familiar face. It was Greta the college hussie that everyone had a turn at.

Her cart was busting at the seams along with her white tank top and as we struck up a conversation we quickly realized that our love for pyrotechnics had the same flushing affect on both of us. We agreed it would probably be best to check out here and check in to the Seabrook Inn on the beach and fire off on each other’s merchandise.

Our clerk completing the transaction is the owner, Beatrice. She recognizes me from many trips over the years and shows interest in joining us for our adventure. At the beach we fill the sky with more then silver peonies, red dahlias and blue chrysanthemums. And like any great firework show I was left yearning for another wick to light.

Rayburn Schlitz

Sexy Memoirs, The Written Word

Chapter 5: Brown house with pink shutters

No Comments 27 February 2013

As I set out on the last Tuesday of black history month I wanted to represent my hatred for white supremacy in the utmost way…seducing a female negro.  The task would be harder than it seems for my wardrobe was full of hoodies and my ancestry.com profile hindered my online confidence but, like MLK I had a dream to pursue. ..and as determined as he was I would fulfill that dream twenty fold.  The staff at the anonymous skin bar was darker than my suppressed childhood memories but thanks to the advancement in non-prescription drugs I was able to segregate the difference between wrong and what I can probably get away with.  I may have been the first choice for her, but she was definitely my last.  Defying the odds she seduced me to her underground railroad and laid into me as if I was going to ejaculate reparations.  But in a surprise simple twist of faith nothing but my good olde fashion white man jerk showed its true colors and had her screaming and running back to the cotton fields. Fortunately for me she left her dashiki behind for cleanup and the search for the next Lincoln apprentice became an underrated task of passive public opinion which is what any historian thrives on. And just like useless common law, gay rights, and gun laws the month ends with plenty to reflect on and dance to…Shamon!

Sexy Memoirs

Sexy Memoirs Chapter 4: The Night Tony Petrarca Couldn’t Predict

No Comments 14 February 2013

With days notice. and little on hand, society flocked to the shelves of our life like desperate bridesmaids to a future divorcee’s bouquet(statistically speaking). But we had all we needed.  Readily stocked on booze, lube and thigh quivering literature is a priority of mine throughout the winter months.  It started like any other Friday night – tuning in to the local news to get the low down on the cretins, declining economy and general whereabouts of the senior citizens. But it was all done in anticipation of the main event…senior weatherman Tony Petrarca, with an aggressively subtle use of the mock turtle neck and Doppler radar, confirms the storm of the century. His educated guess on the effects of our high & low pressure colliding was vastly underrated.  After a timely shower and a casual but easy going dozen drinks the power left us in the dark. Prompting us to do what we do best.  We gather all the blankets and duvets we can muster and take solace in the fact that although the snow is falling outside it’s hotter than a jar of jalapenos in the bedroom.

Sexy Memoirs

Sexy Memoirs Chapter 3: If You Want to Fuck a Peach, Ask for an Apple

No Comments 07 February 2013

While entering my local market I grabbed my hand basket and started walking up & down the aisles of life. As I came across the produce section she catches my eye, the woman stacking the peaches.  She must have been new. I hadn’t seen her before and she was doing it all wrong. But her form was great.  I approach her with a simple question – “Can u show me where you keep the apples?”. Rescuing her from that mundane task and allowing me to strike up a conversation on the walk – and that is all we would need. I had her flushing as much as she had me lusting.
I place my overflowing basket where we stand and follow her outside.  I ripped off her smock and ravished her in the cool summer night as if she was being punished for her peach pyramid building skills.  As quickly as it began, it ended.  Nothing left to do but check out here.

Sexy Memoirs

Sexy Memoirs Chapter 2: A Rock and a Hard…Place

No Comments 31 January 2013

It had been a couple of moon phases since I had last parted the velvet sea with my member so it was inevitable that tonight was the night.  The only thing that could thwart this was the karaoke.  Granted it was a mere 2 weeks since the last performance but tonight’s was going to be huge.  The highly impressionable Stu Gatz was in town and looking to have a good time, naturally I’m the first on his call list throwing a wrinkle into my proverbial hard on.  Situations like this plague the mind and poison either situation you choose with a case of the what if’s.  But it’s for that reason I usually think with my penis…it’s the unselfish thing to do.

Sexy Memoirs

Sexy Memoirs: Chapter 1 Stepping into Wetness

No Comments 22 January 2013

By Neptune Virgil

As the sun arose, so did I.  Immediately the images of the night before blurring through my mind while I try to get the taste of gin and sweat off my tongue, but there’s one thing that’s missing…her.  I know we had the plans to but I’m pretty sure we didn’t.  Livid with myself that I let the opportunity squander I go thru the morning wondering if I’ll ever get another chance.

Fast forward to lunch I receive a message. It reads “no work for me today, what time u get out?”

Eagerly I reply with my end shift time. No reply, but none is needed, she got what she was looking for.  The remainder of my day consists of completing  my tasks in a mediocre manner while hiding my spontaneously arousal of anticipation.  Finally the day is done and as I pull into the driveway her car is there I open the front door, which was locked, and step right into it…the wetness.


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