Shades of Gray

Pencils Down- Take 2

No Comments 16 June 2015

Reins discusses bird shit and One Direction.

You’ve recently come under fire for your views on bird shit. Tell me about that?

RH- Sometimes I park where there is a tree because it happens to be the closest spot to my dwelling. In the morning, generally speaking, birds sit in the tree and shit on the cars that are parked underneath it. There’s a spot 10 feet back with no tree so the chances of getting shit on are much less. Sometimes that spot is vacant and I park there. Due to the fact that bird shit is a relatively harmless substance I find myself parking under the tree making the informed decision that I may have shit on my car in the morning. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t and I have no issues taking the gamble. It’s not all that disrupting to my day.

But it can be frustrating. What if you had just washed your car?

RH- Are you fucking serious? I don’t waste water like that. The next time it rains I’ll go outside and wipe my car down. It doesn’t bother me all that much. In the morning, every morning, I’d rather hear the gentle songs of some healthy birds and deal with some shit on my car than drive behind some oblivious motherfucker that doesn’t realize their blinker is on.

One Direction is really taking off. How does that make you feel?

RH- Huh? One way streets? I would prefer a roundabout or rotary.

No. The musical group One Direction. They sing songs.

RH- Hmmm. If people are talking about them they probably do something that those people like.

So you’re not into them?

RH- I just found out they are a thing. I’d have to research whatever that thing encompasses before I can accurately provide my opinion. My guess is, since you’re asking me you know I wouldn’t like whatever they do. I haven’t liked a musical accompaniment with a number in their name since The 5 Crescent Fellows disbanded in the late 90′s…or was it The Super Cres 5?

I think they changed to Super Cres after The Fellows broke up.

RH- That’s right. They had a real Jefferson Airplane thing going on there. Anyway, you know I’m pretty content with my Frank Caliendo stand up and live Devo records to get into something new right now.

Checking It Out, Shades of Gray

The Dick Extravaganza is off and running!

No Comments 02 March 2015

Enthusiasts,

We’ve all been looking forward to March since we received The Shade’s Mistakes & Redemption calendar back in December. It’s finally here – The Dick Extravaganza: Our celebration of all things dick. Dick Nixon, Dick Brautigan, The General Lee etc.

One of our readers was so excited he sent us a pic of his favorite dick:

Dear The Shade,

Mike here. First time, long time etc. I really like what you’re doing here in March. I know this is unsolicited but I’m just throwing stuff against the wall….you know. Dicks just inspire me. Here’s one of my personal favs. Maybe you should ask the rest of your readers to send in their favorites?

All for now.

IMG_7876

 

Thanks Mike, what a great idea! Boy, aren’t our readers the best? So, please enjoy the extravaganza and feel free to send in those pics!

Struggling,

The Management

Shades of Gray

The Shade’s Top 10 Tips for Working From Home

No Comments 26 January 2015

Enthusiasts,

As I write this a storm of epic proportions is bearing down on New England. Like any fortunate soul in the 21st century most of us are lucky enough to work from home tomorrow given the conditions. At first blush this may sound like a cake walk. However, working from home is as much an art form as the 9th century weaving loom. There are best practices that should be consulted to remain productive enough to perpetuate the practice.

The Shade’s own T.W. has been ‘working from home’ since 8th grade. That was before degrees could be earned online mind you. So, how did he do it?

Reins is still trying to figure it out.

But with T.W. as your Talisman the staff got together to give YOU The Shades…

 

Top 10 Tips For Working From Home

 

10. First things first, write drafts of 3-5 emails you’ll need to send throughout the day

9. To avoid the temptations of the seedy side of the internet put a picture of your boss somewhere in sight of your laptop

8. Follow multiple browser tab protocol as usual to detour significant other

7. Get your movie line up set early and often….focusing heavily on Westerns, Steven Seagal & Bill Murray.

6. I cannot stress this enough, have plenty of gummies on hand. Sour Patch Kids, Twizzlers, Marlboro Lights….whatever it takes.

5. Hydrate with your favorite beer every 15-20 minutes. (it goes without saying that coffee and water are consumed liberally first thing)

4. The Price Is Right is on at 11. This is easy to forget given that you’re normally clearing room for lunch at that time.

3. Change clothes at least once a day, and rotate rooms on a ‘side-out’ basis

2. Always remember, 3 p.m. comes quicker than you’d think when you cut out the b.s.

1. Just have fun out there.

Shades of Gray

Mad Lib Mondays – Basement Funk

No Comments 26 January 2015

Please send all desirable submissions to getintotheshade@gmail.com. Winners will be posted next Monday. Do not forsake us.

 

1.  Body part __________

2. Nouns (pl.) _________

3. Celebrity name ______

4. Adjective __________

5. Noun_____________

6. Verb_____________

7. Noun_____________

8. Duration of time_____

9. Noun (pl.)_________

10. Adjective_________

11. Noun (pl.)________

12. Noun___________

 

Every Monday when i go down to the basement I get hit in the __(1)__ with a stink! It smells like old__(2)__, which can easily be mistaken for _(3)_’s __(4)__ __(5)__. I quickly __(6)__ the __(7)__ and held my breath for __(8)__. My landloard must be storing __(9)__ down there!. I wish it would smell more like __(10)__ __(11)__ and less like dead __(12)__.

Shades of Gray

A Word From Rayburn On DeflateGate

No Comments 25 January 2015

2015-01-24 10.57.29-1

It’s been awhile since we heard from Rayburn. It’s understandable though…he’s had a lot of irons on the fire. I spoke with him last night and there’s hope. Word on the street is we’ll have a few more Sexy Memoirs in the ‘not too distant future’. Given that Rayburn lives in the cosmic stratosphere his concept of time is different from ours….so who knows.

In the meantime Rayburn took some time in his Sexy Rumpus Room to weigh in on this ridiculous ordeal known as DeflateGate. In keeping with Rayburn’s new year’s resolution to express himself only in picture form he’s Fedex’ed me this gem.

Go Pats!

Shades of Gray

David Bowie & Rosie O’Donnell are best friends

No Comments 11 January 2015

This 1997 appearance of Bowie on the Rosie O’Donnell Show is truly the Jewel of #BowieWeek. I’ve watched it 3 times now and I get more baffled with every viewing. It truly is a testament to Ziggy that he can still manage to amaze us.

Enjoy!

Shades of Gray

Bowie on Extras

No Comments 09 January 2015

Incredible.

Gervais. Merchant. Bowie, and…

Barry, from Eastenders.

Checking It Out

Young Americans – 1974 Dick Cavett Show

No Comments 08 January 2015

Enthusiasts,

How about this David Bowie week eh? I know what you’re thinking – “Boy we really want to hang out with you guys and listen to David Bowie”.

Listen, we don’t blame you but T.W. is Colorado now and I just picked up extra shifts at Dairy Queen to cover my credit card bills after the holidays SO us connecting might be tough. BUT, every time you visit The Shade and take part in Bowie Week it’s like you’re sitting on the old, stained beige couch at 294 with ‘the guys”

  • Killer lead alto sax rift
  • A young Luther Vandross front an INCREDIBLE group of background singers
  • Enigmatic Bowie dance movies

Enjoy
#BowieWeek

Checking It Out, Shades of Gray

A Book Review: A Load of Hooey

No Comments 25 November 2014

Dear Mr. Odenkirk,

I give your newest effort A Load of Hooey 8 ½ lytle snores out of 10. Maybe 9. It just didn’t work for me. I’m still not sure what you were going for. Was it an autobiography or an exercise manual? Either way, it wasn’t either. But as a fellow foot soldier let me first focus on the POSITIVES.

I very much enjoyed the pictures of cats. They are a favorite of mine as they seem to be for you. So, perhaps, we are kindred spirits of sorts?

I also liked the Winston Churchill misquotes. But do you know what I liked even better? When they were done FIRST in this quality publication years ago. Listen, I want to help a fellow hombre as much as the next guy but this is just TOO MUCH.

Moving on.

Oliver Ames is a distant relative so, as you can imagine, I’m into shoveling. All aspects of it really. Form, content, technique and proper shoveling etiquette. As such, I was particularly compelled by the photo on the back cover (which is where I started). You know how many references to shoveling followed? NONE! So you can see why I was left WANTING MORE. What gives?

Onto the exercise portion of the film book. With little in the way of instruction I’m still left with a blubbery midsection. And I’ve read the ABs section 3 times already. Be more constructive with your instruction?

I’d ask for my money back but I’m sure with this type of flop on your hands you’re not exactly ‘rolling in it’. At the very least an apology will do.

My best,

Norm.

 

Shades of Gray

Wednesday Poem of the Week

No Comments 29 October 2014

Please of Desperation

Every now and then we do get desperate

Desperation seems a precursor to unheralded confusion

Is confusion just misguided thinking

A deep breath and logic are tools

Not always used but always available

I stretch before I run

I also tie my shoes before I stretch

Sometimes I don’t wear shoes

Reins

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