Top Ten

Top 10 Worst Places To Have To Poo

No Comments 14 September 2012

Friends,

The human body is a magnificent thing. It can run, jump, throw a football and, if you’re lucky, dance. To do all this cool stuff we need some fuel for energy so we eat food. Once we’ve processed the energy we need to get rid of the waste. Yup, you guessed it – I’m talking about disposing of BM’s.

For some of us its the best part of our day. Others despise it. And still others approach it as simple mechanics and don’t give it much thought at all. C’est la vie.

The fact of the matter is that all of us have been in unfortunate situations when we’ve experienced The Drop. This is when you feel your body’s internal gravitational pull telling you that something is careening through your insides and is about to show up at the exit without much patience. You need to act and act quickly.

During our weekly staff meeting we got to talking and we found out a few things. We all dispose of BM’s a lot! But more importantly experiencing the drop is nice when you’re feeling full, wearing sweatpants and have the luxury of being able to see your home court bathroom. Other times you’re not that lucky. So we put together our Top 10 List of the worst places we’ve been when nature has beckoned. Feel free to add your thoughts.

The Shade’s Top 10 Worst Places To Be Struck With The Urge To Poo

10. Day 2 and 3 of literally any music festival – If you’ve ever been to one of these things you know already. But for those of you who haven’t here’s what happens. The people in charge of emptying the porter johns get lazy. So, poop piles up. In some cases peaking up above the rim of the toilet. Its not pretty or desirable.

9. A foreign country where you don’t speak the language – This is awful. While the act of jumping up and down clutching your bum is pretty universal it reduces you to the lowest form of groveling. Plus bathroom (particularly in Europe) are small and the toilet paper technology is not anywhere close to what we have here in the good ole U.S. of A.

8. Traffic – Obviously. When pushed to the brink in this instance I’ve seen people make some very rash decisions.

7. Ski lift – Its a lonely place. You’ve insulated yourself from cold while making a quick strip down problematic. While most times the Great Outdoors is a nice place to release…its not on this occasion.

6. In the middle of a heated online gaming instance – As we all know online gaming is a fun and safe way to spend a night in. The problem is with the pesky pause rules set up with most games. If you’re struck by The Drop during a competitive exchange you may have to fold your hand for the imminent release.

5. Dinner parties – This really depends on the size of the dinner party – the smaller the worse off you are. The problem is excusing yourself for a period of time that is too long for people to believe you were peeing. Once you’ve been revealed by your absence when people look at you for the rest of the night they’ll think about you – shirtless – pushing out a squeaker.

4. A flight/and or airport – I grouped these items together for obvious reasons but the difficulties are a bit different. Planes are tough because the bathrooms are small and if you’re like me you like to spread out upon release. More important if your effort is particularly trying and you leave a bit of stink behind all eyes are upon you when you depart. So, not a great option. Airports are a bit different. Roomy, privacy is solid but strange things happen in airport bathrooms. Trust me.

3. During intimacy – Regardless if this is a first time make out session or with a veteran significant other having to stop sexy time because of a rumble and subsequent poopie can really kill a mood.

2. A professional sporting event – This is never good. For starters you’re missing the event you probably paid an obscene amount of money to see. But more importantly people drink at these events. Often times they drink heavily. Lines at the urinals get long and guys begin to use the stalls as the day/night goes on. As we all know your peeing accuracy is negatively correlated to your alcohol consumption….so just to the math.

1. Lap dance at a strip club – Similar to #3 you never want to be put in a position when your sex parts are tingling along with your poop parts. Its a conflict of interest I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

 

Top Ten

Top 10 Best Dance Moves

No Comments 31 August 2012

Friends,

Dancing is part of our DNA. While some of us can perform better than others we’ve all experienced a rush of emotion so intense we were compelled to start moving around in a somewhat rhythmic fashion – much like Forest Gump when he first heard Elvis.

The Shade staff took a peek in the vault of human movement and pulled out what we consider to be the best contributions to the artform. Personally I’ve used every single one of these in various (and to varying degrees of accuracy) and they’ve never failed to get a positive reaction (especially the Pee Wee). And lets face it, as the little girl in the Watusi video points out to Lurch – “ If you know how to dance well, she’ll think you’re boss.”

Enough said.

So, without further adieu we give to you The Shade’s Top 10 Best Dance Moves:

10. The Roger Rabbit

9. The Pee Wee

8. The C Walk

7. The Watusi

6. The Charleston

5. The Tango

4. The Funky Chicken

3. The Moonwalk

2. The Standard Twist

1. The ole James Brown

Top Ten

Top Ten Freds

No Comments 13 July 2012

Beautiful People,

Fred is a great name. Who doesn’t like a Fred eh? If you’re from New England (and of a certain age) you may even remember Fred the Baker and his ever meaningful mantra ‘time to make the donuts’.

Fred is a stately name. Its of Germanic descent and means “peaceful ruler”, derived from frid “peace” and ric “ruler, power”. This name has long been common in continental Germanic-speaking regions as well as with people that tend to sprout mustachios at a young age.

If you’ve ever felt yourself wanting to feel enthused about Freds but lacking inspiration…do yourself a favor and visit the Fred Society’s website.

But a good first place to start would be perusing The Shade’s Top 10 list of Freds.

10. Fred Armisen

9. Fred Flintstone

8. Fred Wesley

7. Fred Tuttle ( gotta check this out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fred_Tuttle)

6. Fred Savage

5. Freddie Kruger

4. Fred Astaire

3. Fred Couples

2. Freddie Mercury

1. Fred Rogers (Mr. Rogers)

Top Ten

Top 10 Reasons To Stay In Tonight!

No Comments 22 June 2012

Going out ain’t what it used to be. It used to be fashionable, fun and pregnant with the anticipation of coitus. No longer. Its expensive, annoying and you tend to be surrounded by nimrods staring at their phones texting. Not to mention most places don’t even have Keno anymore.

So join the rest of The Shade staff and throw on a pair of sweatpants, grab a microwave-able burrito and log in some couch time. If that scenario doesn’t compel you we’ve polled the staff here and come up with our own Top 10 Reasons To Stay In Tonight. Enjoy!

10. Big saturday coming; premiership at 11, NFL at 1, sopranos at 9
9. Your phone died, you lost your charger, no one is calling anyway (sigh)
8. She’s really gone and not coming back and you’re too old to start all over
7. My night ends after happy hour
6. You saw Les Claypool Thursday and you’re still trying to figure it out
5. Just caught the beginning of a Back to the Future marathon
4. You just saw your friends on Monday and didn’t really have a good time then
3. Tomorrow is a beach day and you want to beat the crowd
2. $6 is too much to pay for a budweiser
1. Its already 7 and you honestly can’t tell whether it’s constipation or the dreaded diarrhea and very few places have single stall bathrooms

Top Ten

Top Ten TV Dads

No Comments 08 June 2012

Shade Enthusiasts,

With Dad Day just around the corner the staff got together and really wanted to make something special for all the dad’s out there. I think we’ll all agree that with all the hub bub around Mother’s Day, Father’s Day often time gets swept under the rug. For the most part dad’s are cool with this. Because more than anything else they want anonymity. Then want a few hours to look back through the threshold of adult/parenthood to remember the times when they sat in their friend’s basement and drank beers, watch sports and made derogatory remarks about slightly attractive and/or fat girls. In other words…the good ole days.

While we can’t turn back the hands of time to fix any of your (potentially) bad life choices we CAN give you a list of some of our favorite TV dads.

#10 -  Bill Kirchenbauer as Coach Graham T. Lubbock in Just The Ten Of Us: Your typical gym teacher/jock dad. He’ll teach you the right way to execute a bounce pass in the driveway and most likely will give you a beer at age 10 if the wife isn’t around

#9 – Alex Karras as George Papadapolis in Webster: He’s got to be a good guy. After all not just anybody adopts a kid. Plus something tells me he has an extensive reserve of Werthers. ADDED BONUS – check out this Karras commercial for Schlitz

#8 – John Goodman as Dan Connor in Roseanne: Just being man enough to have relations is worthy of recognition. BUT, mark my words, when its all said and done and John Goodman passes on and we start seeing retrospectives of his career we’ll all say “Damn, I didn’t realize how awesome he was”. You heard it on The Shade first.

#7 – Bryan Cranston as Walter White in Breaking Bad: Yes, its a sexy, current choice BUT Breaking Bad is an amazing show. Period. And it wouldn’t be without Cranston. Plus who wouldn’t want to have Walt as a dad? He’s a goddam badass and can score you some decent cush if you’re in a pinch before an Aerosmith show.

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#6 – Michael Chiklis as Vic Mackey in The Shield: A bit of an element similar to our #7 pick with more in-your-face badassness. Having Mackey has your dad would give you some serious street cred in the post school parking lot fight scene.

#5 – Bernie Mac as Bernie Mac in The Bernie Mac Show: Just read that first line over again and realize how awesome it is. No further explanation is necessary. RIP Bernie.

# 4 – Jerry Stiller as Frank Costanza in Seinfeld: Very rarely can a tertiary character completely dominate episodes of a show like Frank Costanza did during Seinfelds reign. With his performances Stiller moved into elite company in that he could just walk into a room and I couldn’t keep it together. So expressive, so angry and so anxious. LOVE IT.

#3 – Homer Simpson in The Simpsons: At this point Homer Simpson is an American Icon. He’s such an accurate embodiment of the current state of the American spirit its scary. Honest, somewhat hard-working, blindingly loyal to his family, and in the end always wants to do right (as long as it doesn’t take too much time and effort). What a guy

# 2 – Ed O’Neil as Al Bundy in Married With Children: #1 and #2 were a struggle. If you score 4 touchdowns in one half (as Al did with Polk High) it really gives you carte blanche to do whatever the hell you want with the rest of your life. But with a whore daughter, loser son, sex-crazed aging wife and disgustingly yuppie neighbors I’d say Al was pretty well adjusted.

#1 – Carroll O’Connor as Archie Bunker in All In The Family: Just the best. Any son under his tutelage would be on a great work and life trajectory. I think we’d all be better off if we could sit down and have a beer with Archie at the end of every day.

Top Ten

Top 10 Things To Step In

No Comments 25 May 2012

Beautiful People,

Do you ever step in stuff? I do! Almost every day. Except for those days where I just can’t muster the gumption to throw the covers off and attack the day. You know, the ‘bad’ days.

Anyways, because we all do so much stepping in stuff we at The Shade figured we’d give you an idea of good things to do your stepping in. Don’t thank us, this is why we get paid the big bucks.

Without further ado here’s The Top 10 Things to Step In:

10. The Void – for those aforementioned ‘bad’ days

9. A jump shot – this is a must if you want proper rotation

8. A pub – because a cool buzz makes things not so bad

7. A ball park – distinctly American, and anyone that’s walked through the tunnel at Fenway Park knows what I mean

6. A Slim Jim – get it?

5. A barrel of grapes – its just so gooey!

4. Jacuzzi – sexy time!

3. Slippers – obviously

2. Air conditioned room on a hot day – your glands thank you every time

1. A crisp pair of slacks – no explanation necessary

Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons To Sit Down

No Comments 20 April 2012

10. It may be the only way to control the visuals
9. You have been looking for your cat all day to no avail
8. You have reached the pinnacle
7. Its the only thing to do when your in the proverbial hot seat
6. Your hand cuffed and this ain’t your first rodeo.
5. You don’t stand in Lazy Boys
4. It is time to take a load off
3. You give up and are simply tired of hearing your wife yell at you for piss on the seat
2. You just learned that your Sister is your Mother and the whole town know except you
1. The Spins

Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons To Stay In Bed

No Comments 13 April 2012

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Life hurts. Period. Its tough trying to squeeze some semblance of enjoyment into the waning hours of the post work day. Weekends can be overwhelming with the utter shit we have to do that somehow manages to take up the only truly free time we have. In short, we need to rediscover the freedom of open weekdays if we want any hope of connecting with our intrinsic intellectual curiosity. That said, we’re people people here at The Shade and want to give back however we can so we want to provide a list of fully vetted excuses to help you turn over and flip off your alarm clock and take some time to discover YOU.

Besides, no one else likes you so you might as well!

The Top 10 Reasons To Stay In Bed

10. You can’t get your bones to warm up and you fear pneumonia

9. Depression can be fun if you embrace it

8. You’re dreaming of being awake.

7. You had a dream about a cat in a tuxedo singing Frank Sinatra tunes and are desperately trying to fall asleep to start it over.

6. Lingering case of the Mondays on a Thursday

5. Coitus in the morning sunlight

4. Passionate desire to find your exact sleep number

3. Your ceiling exceeds the company of your acquaintances.

2. Band of Brothers marathon is on and you’re a great American

1. The judge isn’t going to say anything you want to hear.

Top Ten

Top 10 Things To Do While Waiting For Your Porn To Buffer

No Comments 09 March 2012

Beautiful people,

With the advent of the internet we truly have an embarrassment of riches at our disposal when it comes to satisfying our carnal desires behind closed doors. At the click of a mouse we can surf between two buxom co-eds wrestling over the right to please their pert English prof or watch a sexier-than-usual octogenarian cross his/her legs for 45 minutes in HD. In essence, whatever blows your skirt up. Ahhh, America!

But with access to high speed internet not as well spread as we all might like there comes a time when you’re waiting, watching that all too teasing word “Buffering….” on your screen. In those moments of contemplative solitude The Shade would like to offer some advice on how to best spend the time.

Consider it a Public Service Announcement.

Struggling towards greatness in a world of mediocrity,

The Shade Mgmt.

Top Ten Things To Do While Your Porn Is Buffering

10. Double-check no one’s home

9. Sit on your hand

8. Ruminate over your inevitable autoerotic asphyxiation (thanks a lot iPad!)

7. Think about some other regrets

6. Do 20 push-ups for virility – if you can’t do yourself right who can you do?

5. Light some candles & turn up Al Green’s Greatest Hits to set the mood

4. Open up CNN.com in a new browser in case of emergency

3. Look through your neighbors window

2. Warm up the shower

1. Triple-check no one’s home

Top Ten

Top 10 Ways To Go About Foreplay

No Comments 24 February 2012

Ladies and Gentlemen,

The trusted source Wikipedia defines foreplay as ‘a set of emotionally intimate and physically intimate acts between two or more people meant to create desire for sexual activity and sexual arousal.’ Yes – I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Now, don’t be fooled ladies. This list is just as much for you as it is for the gentlemen. Contrary to what you might think we don’t just want to dip our chip in your salsa and be done with it. No. We want the seduction. We want to wrap our libido around the mysticism of femininity and bang on the gates of eternity! (and possibly have a snack afterwards)

So I think there’s something to be learned from this list by both sexes. Now, if there are any questions I suggest you Ask Norman.

Thank you for your time,

The Shade Management

 

Top 10 Ways To Go About Foreplay

10. Heavy Petting (occasionally mixing in oils)

9. The French Tickler (a.k.a. The Robespierre)

8. Slip your significant other a mickey

7. Snoozing

6. Pull into the Naked Panini Station

5. Afternoon tea  (a favorite of the Youth of Tomorrow – and very effective with those high society types)

4. Traditional Samoan practice of exchanging of flanks

3. The human coat hanger

2. French Kissing

1. Playing where did the pretzel go?  (an obvious classic)

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