Shades of Gray

Mr. Miserable’s Friday Blast Off

No Comments 01 December 2012

So. Its the holiday season and everyone’s happy. Big friggin deal.

Whoever started stretching black friday into black friweek? I’d like to meet him just to shove a piece of my sour apple pie in his mug. No one wants to buy your crap. Not Friday, not Saturday, not ever. And if you do want to buy crap send me your address I’ll give you some for free.

Which brings me to my next point: I don’t care for tight jeans on men and you shouldn’t either. They make women feel self conscious when they are able to wear smaller sizes. Not to mention it is always disconcerting to find a bulge in front or lack thereof. It just leads to too many questions I don’t want answered. Just buy Wranglers – I hear their crotches are sewed with a U shape in mind and not a V.

Lastly, what in the good goddam is going on with this thing called gangnam style? When I first heard about it I thought it had to do with gang violence. No joke. When I finally get around to looking into it, it turns out its all about this guy jumping around like a Shanghai rooster in heat.  If gangnam is a style of Korean lavish life, I want no part in visiting Korea. Being able to mimic a dance move is only cool if it came from Michael Jackson or Christopher Walken first. I just don’t get it anymore I guess. Its very likely I never did.

And another thing: whoever owns the baby down the street would you please do something about that? The filthy creature cries from 5:45 am to 7:15, conveniently correlated with my most precious sleeping hours. I would rather never wake up than to be woken up by things that aren’t directly meant for waking me up.

Was anyone surprised that Sean “Diddy” Combs’ fashion line was manufactured in Bangladesh?

Xoxo,
Mr. Miserable

Shades of Gray

Mr. Miserable’s Friday Blast Off!

No Comments 24 August 2012

People,

Lets start with good news. This week the BBC reported on a study that proved people were just as miserable on Mondays than they were on all the other days of the week (save Friday). So, it seems like my life’s work is really taking hold. Next stop….ruining your weekend!

Now, lets get on with it eh?There’s a few thing that chafed my buttcheeks this week:

#1 – Who the hell is this goddam woman that wants to swim from Florida to Cuba? This woman is turning 63 this week AND she’s tried this 3 times before (and failed). Get a grip lady, you’re a senior citizen…act accordingly. Any reasonable human knows that feats of physical strength don’t get easier with age. And a wise man once said – if you can’t win just quit. So, stop costing tax payers and start buying some semi sweet chocolate to bake cookies for the kiddies.

This woman attempted something impossible and used up a massive amount of resources while some other people in legitimately dangerous positions could have died? Oh yea, and you DIDN’T do it. Nice job – America is proud.

#2 – And speaking of old people being worthless…did you read about this story from Spain? Some looney old lady decided to ‘fix up’ an old mural in her church by painting over an old work of art. Doris, this isn’t arts and crafts night at Michaels. The old bat literally just started painting over a masterpiece. The church has brought in some restoration specialists but they’re not optimistic. Attention old people – you’ve lived your life. Stay home and out of our hair.

Moving on.

#3 – Homeless people in Boston sum up America’s problem.

Lets get some context shall we? I used to walk by a heady and well-spoken homeless man that bared a striking resemblance to Mark Twain every day. I found him charming because he waxed poetic about not having any good excuse for asking for money but he was being honest in his pitch.

At first I found the charm of the new approach alluring I’d rather crumple up dollar bills and throw them at my cat before giving to the needy). But, after the 5th time hearing it, it started feeling very similar to watching a show for the 50th time in syndication and not laughing at the parts you once laughed at. At the 100th time hearing it I was disappointed in America.

Not only has our economy become so complacent with making money by producing nothing, but our homeless people feel the same! I don’t know which is more entitled and, ergo, disappointing.

It used to be that if you wanted a good indication of a society’s values you should take a look at their penal system – in essence how does a society treat its most troubled and dangerous members. Nowadays I feel like our homeless population (at least in Boston) sums up our national issues more accurately, which is ‘Give me something for nothing so i can sit around and do more nothing’. Great job guys, keep it up

Indifferently,

Mr. Miserable

Shades of Gray

Mr. Miserable’s Friday Blast Off – Special Olympic Edition!

No Comments 27 July 2012

Ok, fine. The Olympics are here and all you fools will get excited. For what?

You think these games are all about fun and international companionship? I’ve got news for you boy-o. You’re dead wrong. The people in charge of this thing are laughing all the way to the bank. Even worse…the sons of bitches are fascists. No joke.

Lets start from the beginning shall we? A twit by the name of Baron Pierre de Coubertin is supposedly the father of the ‘modern’ Olympic games. He was a stickler for this goddam event being a beacon of good hope that brought the world together. Well tell that to Avery Brundage. Good ole Avery was the chairman of the American Olympic Committee in 1936 and lobbied hard to NOT have the games moved from Berlin at the height of the Nazi reign. He had a good reason though. He figured only 12 Jews had represented Germany in the Olympics up until that point so its logical that they wouldn’t have any representation on the German squad in 1936. These are facts….look it up.

The people at the IOC thought Avery did such a good job in his post as American Olympic Committee chairman that he was elected president of the IOC in 1952 and he held this post for 20 years. During this time the Olympic ‘definition’ of amateur increasingly became more lax until, in 1971, the keyword amateur was eliminated from the Olympic charter. During the tragedy when 11 Israeli olympians were murdered by Palestinians at the 1972 games in Munich, Brundage was the one who said “the games must go on” and allotted only one day for mourning. What a softy eh?

During this time the countries behind the Iron Curtain were paying their ‘amateur’ athletes by giving them trivial civil service jobs which they never had to show up for. All this while the rest of us were sending….actual amateurs to the games. Good looking out Avery.

In an effort to keep the hits coming the IOC elected a Spaniard by the name of Juan Antonio Samaranch as Brundage’s successor. Samaranch was impressive in his own right. This all is despite his status as being a bonafide fascist. As in being photographed attending a ceremony mourning fascist martyrs in 1956 AND photographed giving a fascist salute as late as 1974. This guy was the president of the IOC until 2001! And he awarded Moscow the 1980 games despite the Soviet’s invasion of Afghanistan. Oh, and Samaranch was elected honorary IOC president for life. How does this happen?

I’m literally stunned, shocked and outraged with the IOC’s resume. But what else is new. The current IOC president Jacques Rogge explained the Olympic mission in 2009 as such:

“Through the Olympic spirit, we can instill brotherhood, respect, fair play, gender equality and even combat doping”

Given the IOC’s track record I’d say that mission statement is a little off.

I’ll end on one other juicy nugget about the IOC. They put up zero money for the operations of the games but control all the rights and profits for licensing Olympic symbols. Cities have to compete for the honor of hosting the games. BUT the IOC is sure to collect a portion of the advertising dollars that come in through selling partnerships to companies like McDonalds. Oh, and nations have nothing to do with who gets voted into leadership positions. Thats all handled internally.

So as you’re enjoying the games over the next month just think about all the bullshit and downright criminality that comes along with these games.

Enjoy!
Mr. Miserable.

Shades of Gray

Mr. Miserable’s Friday Blast Off

No Comments 13 July 2012

Ok ok,

I hope you’re all having a ‘great time’ this summer.

Its hot as hell, I can barely breathe and evidently Americans have a third-world mentality when it comes to body odor. Normally I wouldn’t care because I don’t want to come within 10 feet of you or your loved ones. But as I depend on public transportation every day I’m forced to mingle.

Other than the heat there’s three other points that are chapping my buttcheeks this week.

#1 – This whole Daniel Tosh debacle. Ok, if you’re enough of a fan of Tosh to go to his live performance a rape joke completely surprises you? This is the same guy that showed the bursting of an elephants inner digestive track on his show right? Get a grip. If you don’t like his humor, thats cool. Its America….don’t pay to go see him or contribute to his viewers by watching his show. As Patton Oswalt so astutely pointed out a comedian’s act is just that – an act. Would you get mad at Brad Pitt if he really nailed a role where he was playing a rapist? (and he would kill it)

#2 – The Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes divorce. I’ll be honest, when this thing broke I was psyched (and that happens 1-2 times a year). I thought Scientologists would be descending onto the streets in flying carpets to steal the souls of the true heathens. Sadly, they’ve been largely mum. Poor form. What I don’t want to see is major news outlets shoving pictures of Katie Holmes and her rat kid enjoying the zoo in my face.

#3 – Rubberneckers. I’m sure most of you are doing a good amount of driving this summer right? We’re all broke and can’t fly anywhere so its our only option. You’ve no doubt found yourself setting in mind-numbing traffic for hours just to eventually find out the cause of  your frustration is a fender bender. This is potentially reason #1 why I hate people. Rubbernecking is a disgusting and disappointing indictment on human nature and you should all be ashamed. If you would just listen to Harry Belafonte on long rides you wouldn’t be concerned with anything that happens outside the car because the rhythm inside the car would be too dense and all consuming.

Anyways, I hear West Nile is back in town. So perhaps things are looking up?

I would hate you so much more if I actually cared.

Mr. Miserable

Features

Mr. Miserable’s Friday Blast Off!

No Comments 01 June 2012

Zombie Apocalypse?! Please. You people make me sick. Another sign on the road to America’s collapse? Perhaps. But End of Days? No way. I’m not that lucky.

Listen: As Americans its our god-given right to have too much time to fuck around with. I’m pretty sure its written somewhere in The Constitution.

For some of us, taking drugs is a fun-filled activity to waste some of that time. But Jesus, huffing bath salts and gnawing on someone’s face afterwards? There’s plenty of more productive ways to spend your time after tapping into the amber super highway. Like truly exploring Stevie Wonder’s entire catalog, or logging in a few episodes of West Wing. I’d even accept spacing out…daydreaming we used to call it back in my day. At least you’d be chasing some original thoughts in that noodle of yours (hopefully).

I was almost impressed with this bath salts phenomenon a few years ago when it first came across my desk. I thought it was an indicator of some good ole-fashioned American Ingenuity for our youth. At least you were putting your intellectual curiosity into some kind of pursuit – even if it was chemically-induced mind altering. But hey, I can dig it!

Then I turn my back for one minute and you nitwits go eating people’s faces getting everyone upset. Given the recent influx of zombie related entertainment I can’t think of anything MORE cliche. Have a little more creativity for christ’s sake.

As American Youth’s creative drive goes down the toilet the so-called American Dream isn’t too far behind. I don’t know the exact reason(s) behind this demise but I’ve got a few thoughts:

Overstimulation. Sensory overload. We have some much going on we don’t know where to start so we clutch for the only thing thats easy and gives some instant results. Internet porn, huffing bath salts…you name it. We’ve got tunnel vision for the road easiest traveled. Its like we’re listening to John Scofield with headphones on wearing a good buzz getting caught up in a 25 minute rift to nowhere. Come on people, we’ve got to remember to change the track every once in awhile.

In unrelated news – if you ever liked The Dropkick Murphys you should be ashamed of yourself. If you STILL like them please kill yourself.

I’m heading up to the northwoods this weekend so I don’t have to see any of you people. If I run into flesh-eating zombies I’ll be sure to give him a good ole fashioned joint and tell him to clean up his/her/its act.

I hope you all experience some disappointment in the near future.

Indifferently,
Mr. Miserable

Features

Mr. Miserable’s Friday Rant – Special Memorial Day Edition!

No Comments 25 May 2012

Whoa oh oh. THREE DAY WEEKEND! Big. Fucking. Deal.

Plans for the weekend? Yeah i got some: not talking to numbskulls like you. I don’t want to see you when I’m on the clock so I sure as shit don’t want to see you in my FREE time.

Another thing thats been eating away at me his week is goddam facebook (still). I don’t want to think about it but every time I open up my computer to look up a recipe for stuffed peppers I’m inundated with the newest piece of shit factoid about last week’s IPO. Can we please stop talking about Zuckerfuck and the Shit Stick Trio already? If you’re on facebook you’re a loser, if you’re not nobody loves you. Lets all get over ourselves so we can get back to being self-involved – THE OLD FASHIONED WAY – like trying to one up your neighbor or treating your pets like kids. Which leads me to my next point.

To people who talk to their dogs like children: get a grip or kill yourself. The choice is yours and I honestly couldn’t care less either way. You and I both know we’ve got to start slimming the population if we want mankind to be sustainable long term. I couldn’t think of a better first step than you offing yourself.

Lastly, as a public service, I’ve got something to say to all the girls out there sporting mustaches. You know who you are. If you think you might have one, you do. Listen, all your friends are too chicken shit to tell you so  – like most things – the responsibility falls to me. Clean yourself up. If you take that gerbil off your face and put a skirt on from time to time you might just have an opportunity to let the people under the stairs out – if you know what I mean.

In no particular order here are the various other odds and ends that made my crap list this week:

  • Humidity – It’ll be here this weekend and for the next 3 months. Hello moist under carriage!
  • David Arquette – I dare you to watch his performance in Airheads and not want engage in violence after
  • William F. Buckley – What a pompous prick
  • People that say or write ‘Cheers’ – We’re not British and why the fuck would we ever want to be?
  • You – as always

Enjoy getting rained out this weekend.

Indifferently,
Mr. Miserable

Features

Mr. Miserable’s Friday Sound Off!

No Comments 04 May 2012

Dear Do Gooders,

Make no doubt about it alot of things have changed in the past few years due to technology. Some good – higher quality movies, video games in the palm of your hand and the ability to quickly look up some awesome ways to blow shit up. But there’s also been some bad. For example cameras everywhere, death of mom and pop retailers, and the ability for every schmuck to be anonymously invasive in your person shit.

But there’s an elephant in the room that all you twerps are crazy about and its driving me batshit insane. In particular lazy, self absorbed, overweight women (and I guess men for that matter as well).

With the invention of social media in the likes of twitter and facebook there has evolved this self righteous concept that your online persona is as important as your mediocre life in the real world.  People spend countless hours posting about all the cool places they go to – never the shitty ones. They spend countless hours pouring over pictures to make sure their showing ‘their public’ the best possible way they look doing the absolute coolest thing they’ve ever done. Look at me! I’m super cool, don’t you wanna hang out with me or – even better – be me?! We call this curating the exhibit of the self. Its disgusting. As Michael Franti once posited “Nobody wants to sing a bit out of tune or be the backbone of a rebel platoon”.

Instead of spending unspeakable hours a day updating your status and uploading photos from the baptism of your 3rd cousin’s first newborn try stepping on a treadmill for half that time. Maybe go out and talk to somebody. A stranger! Start making some friends that you will actually see in person more than once every five years. But hey who am I to talk I still only have a myspace…

Like this if your an asshole!

And while we’re at it, here’s what’s on my shit list this week:

  1. Vikings in the Capital One commercials. Really we haven’t progressed since then? Keep Alec, ditch those goddam Vikings.
  2. Australians
  3. Going sockless. If you’re going to do so make sure you’re feet aren’t gross
  4. People complaining about the weather. Yes, its raining. We know. Get over it.
  5. Smiling. If I wanted more in my life I’d do it myself.
  6. All of you

Carry on,

Mr Miserable

Shades of Gray

Depressive of the Week

No Comments 18 April 2012

(Yawn) If you read the internet…which I KNOW you DO – because you’re like me and are just wasting time until imminent death –  then you’ve probably read about Victoria Beckham and her miserable goddam birthday ‘cake’. A plate of fruit….really? Get over yourself.

No no, I get it. Eat healthy and live longer so you can ‘enjoy life’ right? Great Idea. The world should probably be a good place with all the nuclear proliferation we’ve got going on. No, seriously.

I’ve got some news for you Vicky we’re all going to end up as a pile of bones and bullshit anyways. You, me and Louie Anderson. So at the end of the day who wins eh? Not to mention you could get hit by a bus tomorrow THEN where would all this ‘healthy living’ get you? Stupid bitch.

Not that I care,

Mr. Miserable


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