Ask Norman, reins

Dear Norman – Reins & Norm Explore

0 Comments 15 April 2015

Dear Norm,

I found myself at the bad end of a bender and somehow ended up in a church.  There was singing, an organ playing, shaking hands and then near the end they let you take some money out of a basket.

Since that day I’ve been doing some reconnaissance to choose which religion is right for me.  At a Jewish church I spun a top and heard tall tales of finding change in the street.  At a Catholic church I was able to chew on some dried out cardboard and wash it down with a reddish liquid.  I don’t remember the 16 hours that followed and managed to lose my pants.  With a Rastafarian group I smoked ganja, kicked a soccer ball and listened to Bob Marley.  That could have been my friend Dave’s house; I don’t really remember.

While these and others have all been pleasurable experiences the Church of Scientology really intrigued me.  There is quite a bit going on there with all the different thetan levels to look out for.  Being Clear, E-meters and the evil Lord Xenu from the Galactic Confederacy. I mean let’s face it he’s probably best known for “Incident 2″.

Most religions have detractors or negativalists but Scientology doesn’t seem to.  It’s probably because the theory which started it’s ideology has science to back it up and the numbers just make sense. I can picture myself aboard Freewinds with the Sea Org obtaining the highest levels of Operating Thetan training.

I personally believe all of Mr. Hubbard’s writing is connected.  It’s like Countess Krak said in Mission Earth 5, “I’ll bet his spinbrush is all worn out…Maybe his nerve ends have gotten dull…Maybe he has grown a mustache and wants it speeded up…”  That’s got to be how you feel right before Clear.

I know I’m ready.

Thanks for listening,

Reins

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Dear Reins,

I can’t tell you how good it is to hear from you. Having not seen you since the Mid Winter Field Day, Rayburn and I were growing concerned. Just last week we were pondering the age old question “How much time do Alex Trebek and Pat Sajak spend together, if any?” and hit the existential ‘brick wall’. At such moments your absence is felt most. We feared you fell into one of your infamous Dorito Shembalas.

You’ve been busy eh? I’m glad you’ve tracked down your pants (presuming you have). I know how hard you worked on that hem.

On to more pressing matters.

It’s no surprise your quest is on-going. You’re a swashbuckler with miles to walk each night before you sleep. However, tread carefully in Hubbard’s realm.

Back in the mid 60s I was doing a stint at Warner Bros. fixing up lackluster scripts and got to know Hubbard a bit on the ‘writer’s circuit’. We met intermittently at Greenblatt’s on Sunset before Zagat entered the equation.

He often spoke of ‘thetans’ and nifty cowboy boots. He went on longingly about the depth’s of one’s soul and the difference between truth and a falsehood weighing no more than a feather. Most of the time he creeped me out but he had a car so I indulged him.

Things culminated when we were drinking nips one morning at Greenblatt’s. Hubbard was wont to take long, thoughtful swallows of his drink before talking. He could always bring a cliche to life. At that time he took it for granted that the real and true spirits were entering him with the fire of the liquor. He inhaled the animation around him then said:

“Emotion must never be wasted. Norm, keep clear on such things! When you’re older you may have the bad luck to have an affair with an ugly woman who may enjoy what you offer and has never been on daily terms with a man. She’s too ugly. You’re going to have trouble on your hands. Before long, she’s insatiable. You’ve given the taste of the forbidden to her. Remember I said that.”

He strode off through the door and left me to pay the bill. Presumably as payment for the session?

Take what you will from that advice. What concerned me more about Hubbard was that he longed to be both Alpha and Omega and when your best and worst motives agree on the same action, beware.

I apologize for being forward, but I think the best thing for you is to come home to the welcoming nook of The Shade’s office. We’ve taken to buying that ciabatta bread you like.

Adequately, but not overly concerned,

Norm.

- who has written 511 posts on The Shade.


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