Ask Norman, The Written Word

Dear Norman – Sitting is Hard

0 Comments 12 June 2014

Dear Norman,

I’ve been experiencing something awfully weird lately.  I’m having trouble sitting down, more so at the office than anywhere else.  Every time I attempt to sit in my office chair I hit my hamstrings or pockets on one of the arms.  As a result the backs of my legs are quite bruised and I have ruined many pairs of pants.  I have been blaming my recent problems solely on the chair arms and have been considering asking maintenance to take them off the chair.  I used to be so good at sitting.  Do you have any advice that may help me sit like I used to?

Fearful in Fresno

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Dear Fearful,

This reminds me of a struggle I had from ’82-’85.  For over 3 years I would only stand and lay on the floor.  I eventually hired a personal trainer that could get your ass through the eye of a needle.  To start get your old spandex out of the bottom drawer or go pantsless (helpful hint- if you’re going pantsless make sure to tape your boys good and high.  You don’t want to turn your grapes into wine) and try some no look couch sitting.  Once you feel comfortable with the couch move on to smaller targets: recliner, rocker, kitchen chair.  Try this for a couple weeks with the aforementioned attire.  Then start getting used to sitting in regular pants again.  After about 3-6 months, depending on personal progress, you should be ready to tackle your office chair.  For the first month or two make sure you look over a shoulder of your choice to accurately locate the chair before each sit.  Something that will also help ease your backside; place your hands on each arm of the chair during your descent.  That gives you a target area right between your own arms and you have remastered the art of sitting.  This rigorous program isn’t for the faint of heart so if you are still in need of having the arms removed I can send our maintenance guy Bruno to pay you a visit.  He just got a new high powered Stihl chainsaw and has been itching to remove some limbs.

Norm.

- who has written 510 posts on The Shade.


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