Ask Norman

A New Dear Norman, What A Day!

0 Comments 20 May 2014

Dear Norm,

I’m important.  I run the recreational volleyball league for my office.  According to the league’s power index I am currently ranked 2nd overall in bumping, setting and spiking with a #1 overall ranking in rotating (following side-outs).

Last week I organized a pick up scrimmage for the league’s participants to dust off the winter cobwebs and prepare for the grueling season ahead.  I’m not sure if we woke them up by playing or if they were just out looking for trouble but a large swarm of gnats began swarming around the court as we played.  It’s not clear if they came from inside the sand or just the general area around the court.

Many players were getting bit, including myself, which turned out to be a real nuisance to all players especially during gameplay.  Once the official league games start I’m concerned that if these gnats can’t be controlled or contained they will really start to hurt my statistical performance with all of the biting and general nuisancing.  I’m really hoping to impress Mary from the IT department this season and if my power rankings start dropping I’m not sure she’ll find me as attractive.  Do you think I should call in a gnat specialist to check the area to see if it can be sprayed with a gnat repellant??

Beleaguered near Boston

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Dear Beleaguered,

I know the rigors of trying to impress the fairer sex with sport.  During last years Toothbrushing Championships I was so nervous trying to win the heart of my tournament crush that I missed a bicuspid and didn’t even earn a spot on the podium.

For your issue I will provide a couple of possible solutions and maybe you could bring them to Mary and get her opinion?  This way not only are you resolving the gnat problem but also showing her that you value her opinion in resolving matters that are as complicated as this.

Here are a couple of things you might want to try: 1) relocate the court.  Pick up the nets and sand and move them to a nearby area controlled by a less hostile swarm. 2)  Screw it!  Drop volleyball and join the local marionette theatre.  3) Turn off the music.  I know you like it and it is an inspiring song, especially for sport but a recent study out of Harvard’s School of Entomology confirms that gnats are drawn to Chumbawumba.  If you keep playing “Tubthumping” your going to keep having gnats.  Subsequently, a study of gnats related to Techno was conducted by Andover EDMologist Justin Stoltz who said, “The colors melt me like chocolate.  I have extra glow sticks if you need them.  We’re good friends, right?  We should totally start doing stuff together.”  4) Grow a pair.  You have a volleyball court at your work and are complaining about bugs being outside. I think Mary’s already made her decision.

Fuck off,

Norm.

- who has written 510 posts on The Shade.


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