Shades of Gray

Exclusive: My Mayan Escape- Part 1

0 Comments 21 December 2012

Well, I don’t feel like it happened.  Maybe it did and I’m just being naive.  If it did and the world is over I’m indifferent.  If it didn’t happen I’d like to examine this for a moment.  The Mayans were a people that had innovated farming and star gazing techniques and we – the royal we –  thought that the end of their calendar in 2012 spelled the end of the world.  Why?  Because there were no more calendars.  I, like a lot of us, wasn’t completely sure what happened; that’s why we lobbied for funding and created The Shade’s very own Mayan Fact Finders Union (MFFU).

It has long been known that when the Spanish began their conquest of the Mayan world they destroyed much of Mayan scripture and civilization.  It shouldn’t be hard to believe that the calendars were in this pile of destruction.  Was that how it happened?  The MFFU has been on location for quite some time and uncovered some unknown truths to the whereabouts of the Mayans calendar.

New evidence suggests that the Mayans had a plan for their future generations to be well off financially due to proceeds of mass producing future calendars.  Up until 2012 the monthly depictions were of farms, crops, the landscape; things nice to look at. But they knew to entice future generations, and those from abroad, they needed something better.

It was around this time Hernan Cortes returned to Spain and showed his friend Francisco Montejo a picture of sexy Mayan starlet Cassandra Tikal.  Cortes told Montejo that Cassandra was the new “IT” girl in the Yucatan and she was the model for all calendars printed beyond the year 2012.  Montejo immediately petitioned the King of Spain for his right to seize all calendars printed with Cassandra as the model.

Upon arriving in Maya country Montejo demanded to meet the lovely model only to be told of her unfortunate, untimely and allegedly accidental poisoning during the shoot for the 2026 spread.  The Spaniards went batshit crazy and started killing everyone in sight, blew shit up, destroyed production facilities and even began squabbling amongst themselves over who would be the owners of the subsequent calendars that were coming off the press at exponential rates.  As a result the remaining Mayan retreated deep into the jungles while the Spanish occupied the cities.

With Montejo at the helm the Spanish began flipping through the calendars and couldn’t contain their inner most desires.  There was so much whacking off that all of the calendars sprouted legs, walked up to the top of the nearest temple and committed self-sacrifice in the hopes that the Spanish would leave.  They didn’t. And now we’ll never know the true beauty that was Cassandra Tikal.

I would like to thank everyone that helped fund this research program and send a special thanks to team members in The Shade’s MFFU.  They spent several years in the Yucatan dredging up this helpful information into the disappearance of the Mayan calendar and their individual contributions are what true legends are made of.  Because of you everyone will sleep well tonight.

Reins Hagglemayer

- who has written 512 posts on The Shade.


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